Archive for June, 2012


breakdown

In the midst of an emotional breakdown. Spent yesterday in bed drugged so I wouldnt hurt myself. Lost control of emotions, weakened mental state, pain pressing on the sensors of reason. Too much drama, broken hearts, damaged relationships. So tired of being me. So over the pain and strain to my body. It has let me down and I in turn have let myself and others down. I am under ‘watch’ but that may turn to be used against me in future. It has before, it will again. The same person who stays with me, to talk and be reasonable..saying he is trying..time will only tell..time is a revelator..as Gillian Welch would say.

Told tomorrow is another day, to have hope, faith..in ? Tomorrow I will also wake in pain, as my eyes open and brain comes to be alert it already is in turmoil, the electrically plugged in feeling begins..the pounding behind my eyes, the anxiety of knowing I must get out of bed. turning only brings spasms, fighting to move freely causes tears. A new day, a returning realization of my reality. Im fucked, my body, my head, and now the dying of my heart. No feelings for anything, anyone. Touching hurts, my tank I slept in hurts against my skin. the pillow tucked behind my shoulder hurts. Pillows support the heat pad, the heat blanket gets turned on so when I return to bed from the bathroom I can wrap my knees or arms, or feet. Today is 100 degrees out. I have been talked out of bed so I can go down the stairs to be in the AC, eat, something I didnt do yesterday. I stood to make the egg because the OCD doesnt allow me to like it unless I make it myself. Forced it down, Forcing fluids, forcing breaths.

I hear there are baby chicks newly hatched but cant find the strength to make it out to see. Yesterday if I had the energy during my horrific breakdown, I would have mowed down every thing of beauty in my way. I am injured today as I pounded my arms to release the hate and anger. The hate is inside, my head, my heart. Hate of everything that is me now. The one who used to exist withing me is dead. She is tainted, damaged, broken in so many pieces that cant be found..like a coffee mug smashed against the wall. Spewed hateful words and thoughts to the only ones who loved me. Inexcusable behavior, never to be trusted fully again,  sorry is just a word..meaningless, like so many other words. No one will forgive, no one could possibly understand, even when explanations are screamed into the frightened face of the one who believes in a better tomorrow. Tomorrow is just a word..

No such thing in the midst of a breakdown.

over it

I am so over the years of fighting and not being able to speak my mind. Tired of being told what to do, having no say, no decision. Tired of being told to shut up or stop running my fucking mouth. What the fuck is the problem, if you dont like it let me leave. Throw me the fuck out. I bite my tongue so hard I draw blood. I glance wrong and I get ripped to shreds.Why am I here? All he wants to do is cripple me to the breaking point. It isnt far off. I am so over being treated like this. Everything turned into my fault, my perception, my attitude, my moods. Most days I am in trouble before the door opens, before I open my eyes to wake, my mouth to speak.

Yes, I will treat others well, as well as I am treated..Communication is broken, words are twisted, looks are hateful. Sick of being sick, being treated like I am lazy, worthless, useless. I cant win if I try to do anything its wrong, if I do nothing its wrong.

This is my life, I made my bed, I took on the responsibility..so..I am supposed to just shut the fuck up and live it out. I am not gonna make it. I know it like it is promised. The decision becomes clearer every fucking day.

stand up for ?

The past few years I have fought for things I thought I wanted in my life. I fought for the right to be free, to have certain people in my life, to love who I want. today I realized no one is willing to stand up for me. At a time when I am seemingly vulnerable, you would think the people closest to me  would get it, take care to treat me right and not fuck me over. But that isnt the case of course, why would it be, I have been standing up for someone and today instead of following through on her word and being there for me, she decided to cower to her hateful life and not stand up for me. She never will. I am stuck in a whirlwind and I get a flash of frozen pictures every turn that shows me how fucked up I have let my life become. I cant make decisions for shit, I am confused, in pain daily, that is just the norm, and now I see that even after swearing there have been lies only to protect me the lying goes further, my whole world evolves around these lies. I confronted one today, stood in its face and asked outright. There was no screaming, there was no standing up for me, there was silence. staring back at me from four eyes that are so empty and backward it is surprising they can wipe their own asses. They probably cant. I asked questions, either with answers that confirmed lies or just the four eyed stare down. Did she stand up for me, no. Did she tell the truth, no. When do I fucking learn a lesson, when do I WALK AWAY AND LIVE MY LIFE.? All I do is live for others, I have tremendous time on my hands and all I do is cater to everyone else who are not there for me. When she was breaking down, not wanting to live, I was there, I was supportive to the millionth degree, I took care of her, her kids, her finances. Now I am falling apart, needing a friend, needing love, needing guidance and what do I get..a chuckle, she laughed, she fucking laughed! Instead of standing up for me, supporting me, telling me the truth, I find lies, laughs and backwards redneck fucktards that have no clue how to treat anyone. No idea of how to have a relationship, no answers, no screaming, all lies. No one stood up for me.