In the midst of an emotional breakdown. Spent yesterday in bed drugged so I wouldnt hurt myself. Lost control of emotions, weakened mental state, pain pressing on the sensors of reason. Too much drama, broken hearts, damaged relationships. So tired of being me. So over the pain and strain to my body. It has let me down and I in turn have let myself and others down. I am under ‘watch’ but that may turn to be used against me in future. It has before, it will again. The same person who stays with me, to talk and be reasonable..saying he is trying..time will only tell..time is a revelator..as Gillian Welch would say.

Told tomorrow is another day, to have hope, faith..in ? Tomorrow I will also wake in pain, as my eyes open and brain comes to be alert it already is in turmoil, the electrically plugged in feeling begins..the pounding behind my eyes, the anxiety of knowing I must get out of bed. turning only brings spasms, fighting to move freely causes tears. A new day, a returning realization of my reality. Im fucked, my body, my head, and now the dying of my heart. No feelings for anything, anyone. Touching hurts, my tank I slept in hurts against my skin. the pillow tucked behind my shoulder hurts. Pillows support the heat pad, the heat blanket gets turned on so when I return to bed from the bathroom I can wrap my knees or arms, or feet. Today is 100 degrees out. I have been talked out of bed so I can go down the stairs to be in the AC, eat, something I didnt do yesterday. I stood to make the egg because the OCD doesnt allow me to like it unless I make it myself. Forced it down, Forcing fluids, forcing breaths.

I hear there are baby chicks newly hatched but cant find the strength to make it out to see. Yesterday if I had the energy during my horrific breakdown, I would have mowed down every thing of beauty in my way. I am injured today as I pounded my arms to release the hate and anger. The hate is inside, my head, my heart. Hate of everything that is me now. The one who used to exist withing me is dead. She is tainted, damaged, broken in so many pieces that cant be found..like a coffee mug smashed against the wall. Spewed hateful words and thoughts to the only ones who loved me. Inexcusable behavior, never to be trusted fully again,  sorry is just a word..meaningless, like so many other words. No one will forgive, no one could possibly understand, even when explanations are screamed into the frightened face of the one who believes in a better tomorrow. Tomorrow is just a word..

No such thing in the midst of a breakdown.

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