Archive for July, 2012


been caught sleeping

All I want to do is sleep. I could have stayed in bed all day but I didnt need the comments. I could barely move when I did get out of bed, I mowed some of the yard yesterday and my body is not happy. I did force myself to cook, and I did get to the store. Thats about it. I listened to some awesome music, which kept me out of trouble and not being able to hear anything that was going on in the house. I dont know how I could possibly still be a problem when all I do is sleep. but apparently I can.

I think I was so tired mentally from the past week I just crashed. I need to find a way to get along. I have issues with so many things..things that arent going away and I will have to deal with. Just waiting to see what the next month or so brings. Will be more sure of the future by then.

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Un-social network

What if you had a friend that you were so close with and had a long lasting friendship with during your childhood into teenage years, if you remained somewhat social through your twenties, maybe lost contact but still random emails or comments on Facebook,  if during those teen years you were like family, it felt like you lived at her house, her Mother was like your second Mom, if your home life wasnt great and you learned much about life from your second Mom, if you loved her family as if they were your own and even after moving away, you visited often and spent every Xmas eve with them, you watched her family grow just like you would your own. What if you moved away but every time you went back you made sure to visit ‘Mom’, always felt welcome in her home and still felt like you were family. What if  ‘Mom’ became ill, you hear about it on Facebook, you contact your friend who was like your sister at one point in life, you call and get to talk to ‘Mom’ but your friend wont talk with you, wont respond to emails, comments, calls? What if you realize the illness is going to take  ‘Mom’ away much sooner than her time. What if you have no way to contact, no response from family, you get bits and pieces of news from Facebook? What if one night you sign online and see a random prayer post from a person you dont know mentioning your friend and when you follow the link you see that ‘Mom’ has died 3 days ago?

What has become of our society that there is no personal communication and the only news you hear or see is random postings on a social network as the network seems fit to tell you. You dont get all the ‘news’, you get the ‘top’ stories that some site has deemed that way. Posts made to tell the mass audience dont get seen by half the people you think.

Finding out someone you love, who you have had 40 years of love and memories with, dies after a short sudden illness and you arent told, your messages arent responded to, you are just one of the ‘friends’ on Facebook that maybe will see a post that you dont see until days later is really something that hurts, angers, frustrates, aggravates and is just plain inconsiderate.  This is the social world we live in..the non-personal, cold, anonymous, on screen world, where no one really has to deal on an emotional level with anyone anymore. Yet Facebook strives to make our lives more public, more social, no privacy and quantities of friends, not qualities of them, it is failing, it has failed, it failed me, hurtfully, painfully and emotionally enough that I am done. I no longer want to associate with ‘friends’ I have had for 40 years who could care less if loved ones arent important enough to communicate with on a personal level.

Throughout my life I have been one of the most social people I know, now I cant stand people. I am over the bullshit drama they bring and the cold way they treat each other.  I have little to no patience for it all anymore. The very few close friends I have are the only ones I will ever have. I will no longer be trusting or naive that people can be ‘real’ anymore.
Cynical? YES.

free

Theres going to be a time very soon when I will have my own life. Where I can wake and breathe freely, eat when I want, go outside if I want, live as I want.
Of course it will not be perfect, I am not expecting it to. I expect my share of health issues as I have had wont be gone. I expect I will be forced to live simply and frugally, which I mostly have done. I cant think of anything I would want for except freedom. It may even be harder to live because I will be in a new unknown place, no transportation, no one to share with. I will be somewhere I can act, think, see, do, whatever it is my mind tells me to do without having to ask, question or shut up about. This place may be a fairy tale, it may be in my head, it may be the last thing I think about as I breathe my last breath. This place will finally bring happiness into my life. It will allow me to be who and what I want to be. It may not have a roof, or a floor, it may not look out at changing scenery but i will see it as I want, I will see what is real. I will finally be free.
         

a Friday

Last night I read something that said ” Do two things tomorrow that will move you forward” , I thought this was smart especially for me who is so overwhelmed by everything. So today I chose to price items I have for flea market and then go to the market and clean up and make room for my stuff. Well, I did it, took longer than I thought, havent been in a month and what a mess. I could have still spent another hour just sorting, dusting…No way could I have done this last week. Maybe antibiotics are making me feel a bit better. My pain seems to be less.

I am making choc chip cookies too. So that and a load of wash completed I have done more than the two things I expected. I must rejoice in this so I dont feel like it was worthless. All in trying to help myself.

I still have anger, aggravation, but trying to cope better. It is like I didnt want to cope, it is that I could not cope. I just didnt have the will inside me. No one could get it unless they lived or are living it.

Going to enjoy my cookies for now.

Rainy Day

Today is the first day I went out driving in a month..I still have dizziness but the shaky feeling comes and goes. I had errands to run and with no support I have no choice but to go myself.

I dont know if some people understand what it is like to have a condition that has limitations. It is so easy for them to say, “go out, be social”..who the hell wants to be social when you feel like total shit. I talked with an old friend last night who is going thru addiction issues, we have the same depressive feelings and behavior. Our struggles are similar although the cause is different. It was nice to hear a caring voice, lord knows my family doesnt call to show concern.

My Mom has had my sister visiting and I havent heard from her except one phone call and a message on the machine with bad news, thats the only time I hear from her, bad fucking news reports. When I was there caring for her last year she called or talked to my sister daily while I was there, but when my sister is there not one call to me..Fucking bullshit. My sister goes home today, I am sure I will hear from my Mom once shes gone and Mom gets lonely..well, she can leave all the messages she wants, I am done pandering for attention. Let her call my sister and get comfort from her. She seems to be all she cares about anyway.

I want to go away, ALONE, to live by myself where I have the control over my life and no one can get in unless I let them. My heart and soul are bound with steel to shield off all the fucking shit people place on me. I am guarded, even against the two people I love..I dont want to be held, or touched or coddled to. It is easy enough for them to fucking ignore me. Yet expect me to be there when they want me. I hate fucking expectations..I am done giving in to them.

 

Trust

Trust is something I always had in people and they had in me. All that has changed and now I am a fucking outcast not to be trusted..why? Because I spoke my mind and told the truth to someone who didnt want to hear it. Because lies were told about me to frighten and reduce that trust. Because others were found to be more trustworthy and relied upon.

It fucking kills me..All I ever did was try to show love and kindness, try to help in every way I could, try to restore strength in someone who felt weak and worthless. Now that they are strong they dont need me anymore..swept to the fucking side and shoveled into the trash. Fucking talked about and laughed at and snubbed if I happen to run into them. I did nothing to deserve the punishment I take from them. How did I become the bad guy, the boogie man..everything bad blamed on me so there could be a scapegoat.

I would rather be alone than look at or hear about or see other people that just use you and throw you away. A fucking loser used to be..used to be trusted, used to be loved, used to be a friend..all fucking taken away by fear. It really fucking sucks.

answers?

One would think when you go into an EmergiCare center the Doctor who has plaques covering the walls would be able to look at the bite I received at some point and at the very least start me on an antibiotic. I woke with a 4×2 bullseye rash at the top of my thigh. Now, from what i have read there doesnt need to be a tick still embedded. The rash could come 3 or more days later. I will give him credit for taking the time to listen, and without me going into the specifics with him of my 6 year history of chronic pain, he listened to my lungs ( my chest has hurt for 3 days, cant take deep breaths) he weighed out what my symptoms were and came to the conclusion that I was having withdrawl of meds due to a Prednisone pack i took inhibiting the meds from doing their job. The clammy skin, the sweating/freezing, the shakiness.Kudos to him for the decision..but then he says go home and take 3-4 xanax..really? Maybe a hot bath along with it, that would certainly remove the chest pain as I wouldnt be alive to feel it.

This morning I woke and hubby took me to Hospital Lab for blood work Dr ordered a while back. I havent been able to drive due to dizziness. 10 vials of blood and I got lightheaded and nearly fainted, I couldnt see for a few seconds. They put cool rags on me, layed me into a recliner and gave me ice water and apple juice. I thought I would throw up and it took a good half hour before I could stand. I left the lab in a wheelchair. Great..another huge leap towards loserdom. I am so glad I didnt drive myself, I would not have been able to get home.

Now today I have been trying to force tiny bits of food so I can take meds. I can get down liquids without feeling lie I will puke. Every joint in my body hurts, maybe allergic reaction to bite?

Well..I did get lucky, called my specialist and he had 1 cancellation for next week..fingers crossed he will have a clue.

this cant be right

So I am supposed to accept that I have FMS and try to have hope and just take care of me. I am not doing too well at it. There has to be something else wrong here..The extreme nerve pain I am having is killing me. Drugs are not working. My lungs, my kidneys hurt, I am freezing and sweating at the same time. Today I left my bed because the heat is going to be too high, normally I could stay up there in it..I am just all over uncomfortable today. I have changed shirts 3x, turned the air on, which I usually hate to live in. My thoughts are racing and it it scary. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I have been to hospitals, they give me Ativan and send me home. I asked my husband to take me for bloodwork because I cant get my shit together to drive 20 minutes. I wanted to go to store today, that doesnt look like it will happen.

This is not cool..all I can do is cry which exacerbates the whole thing.

4th

Being a holiday means I am not alone today. My husband is home from work. I woke with severe pain in neck, shooting like shockwaves into my head. My hip when I take a step feels like a knife is jammed in it. Then it spasms through my back like my kidneys will explode. Got out of bed, ate a bowl of oatmeal so I could take meds and supplements. It feels to me like the Lyrica is not even working. I checked my pill box, yup its there, I have been taking it. Took my coffee and tried to get back up the stairs. Also brought the heat blanket up and wrapped my back and hips in it. Had to prop my body up on pillows to ease the nerve impulses that kept shooting into my knees. Wrapped heat on my neck. Put on music and cried. Was glad to see hubby outside so he didnt have to hear it. He feels helpless and it freaks him out when I show emotion or tears. But this is my life, nearly every morning it is something I wake with and only I have to deal with.Acceptance is a fucking joke right now to me. I have to accept my life sucks and no one wants to be around me. Not even me.

I have spent the last week in bed, after not being able to go to see my family last week I was frustrated and very angry, especially at the response of how disappointed they are in me. Join the fucking club I say. As soon as they could turn on me they did, talking shit about me behind my back, trying to call my husband, for? who knows what reason. They blame him. They blame L. My all accepting family throws up to me how I am nicer to her than to them. Bull fucking shit, thats why even she isnt talking to me. I have had it with her indecision and self centered behavior. Like I am a fucking stray cat and when she has time she feeds, comforts and spends a few precious moments with me. Then back out the door til she comes searching for me when it suits her.. I am to the point with my relationships of being on guard because as soon as I let it down I seem to get pounced on. I am easily destroyed as I am dealing with this nothing of a life and told to have hope and faith.No one gets it and last week shit was siad to me that still runs through my head, one, that maybe surgery can ‘fix’ me..WTF ? Really? If so I would race to have it so I could return to my lost life. The second thing was thrown at me by my Mother..who last year I spent 6 weeks helping her recuperate from hip surgery, she said “everyone bends over backwards for you”..now..this is FUCKING bullshit. I worked since I was 15 and NEVER asked for anything once I moved out at 18. Before that I was raising her fucking kids because she was too busy with her life. I gave my own child up for adoption because she didnt want me to keep it and I couldnt imagine raising an infant while having the responsibility of my younger sisters. I helped my sister by taking care of her kids while she was in her awful marriage and selling her our house for next to nothing so she could begin a new life on her own with the kids. I never discussed or complained to them about my problems or when trouble began in my marriage. When I did Mom was very supportive and let me know I always had a place to go..is this ‘bending over backwards’? And then to be told that its because I dont have a family of my own, thats why I was the chosen one to be caregiver last year. I came home depressed, lost, not feeling like I belonged anywhere. Did anyone care? Nope.

I just want to sleep, nothing else, sleep reduces the thoughts of ending my life. I dream some good, some bad. I wake angry or in tears. I dont want to wake at all most days. I have tried in the past year to appreciate, find hope, think positive, only to be torn down by pain and feelings of being useless, worthless and a ‘used to be’.

He seems sympathetic to me lately, he knows I have reached a breaking point and in the mental and emotional state I am in, I cant show emotional joy or love to anyone. I dont know if it is meds, Tried to cut back and I lose my mind. I become irate, angry and lash out at anyone who gets too close. I would rather be alone so I stop hurting everyone.

So I got out of bed, barely. Moved to couch where I will spend the day, Today is the 4th of July, used to be fun, BBQ, fireworks, friends. All gone now.My pain meds are kicking in, heat is helping some. Dont know to what capacity I will function today but am staying quiet and drugged so I dont piss anyone off. Tomorrow I will wake alone again and can cry openly.