Being a holiday means I am not alone today. My husband is home from work. I woke with severe pain in neck, shooting like shockwaves into my head. My hip when I take a step feels like a knife is jammed in it. Then it spasms through my back like my kidneys will explode. Got out of bed, ate a bowl of oatmeal so I could take meds and supplements. It feels to me like the Lyrica is not even working. I checked my pill box, yup its there, I have been taking it. Took my coffee and tried to get back up the stairs. Also brought the heat blanket up and wrapped my back and hips in it. Had to prop my body up on pillows to ease the nerve impulses that kept shooting into my knees. Wrapped heat on my neck. Put on music and cried. Was glad to see hubby outside so he didnt have to hear it. He feels helpless and it freaks him out when I show emotion or tears. But this is my life, nearly every morning it is something I wake with and only I have to deal with.Acceptance is a fucking joke right now to me. I have to accept my life sucks and no one wants to be around me. Not even me.

I have spent the last week in bed, after not being able to go to see my family last week I was frustrated and very angry, especially at the response of how disappointed they are in me. Join the fucking club I say. As soon as they could turn on me they did, talking shit about me behind my back, trying to call my husband, for? who knows what reason. They blame him. They blame L. My all accepting family throws up to me how I am nicer to her than to them. Bull fucking shit, thats why even she isnt talking to me. I have had it with her indecision and self centered behavior. Like I am a fucking stray cat and when she has time she feeds, comforts and spends a few precious moments with me. Then back out the door til she comes searching for me when it suits her.. I am to the point with my relationships of being on guard because as soon as I let it down I seem to get pounced on. I am easily destroyed as I am dealing with this nothing of a life and told to have hope and faith.No one gets it and last week shit was siad to me that still runs through my head, one, that maybe surgery can ‘fix’ me..WTF ? Really? If so I would race to have it so I could return to my lost life. The second thing was thrown at me by my Mother..who last year I spent 6 weeks helping her recuperate from hip surgery, she said “everyone bends over backwards for you” is FUCKING bullshit. I worked since I was 15 and NEVER asked for anything once I moved out at 18. Before that I was raising her fucking kids because she was too busy with her life. I gave my own child up for adoption because she didnt want me to keep it and I couldnt imagine raising an infant while having the responsibility of my younger sisters. I helped my sister by taking care of her kids while she was in her awful marriage and selling her our house for next to nothing so she could begin a new life on her own with the kids. I never discussed or complained to them about my problems or when trouble began in my marriage. When I did Mom was very supportive and let me know I always had a place to this ‘bending over backwards’? And then to be told that its because I dont have a family of my own, thats why I was the chosen one to be caregiver last year. I came home depressed, lost, not feeling like I belonged anywhere. Did anyone care? Nope.

I just want to sleep, nothing else, sleep reduces the thoughts of ending my life. I dream some good, some bad. I wake angry or in tears. I dont want to wake at all most days. I have tried in the past year to appreciate, find hope, think positive, only to be torn down by pain and feelings of being useless, worthless and a ‘used to be’.

He seems sympathetic to me lately, he knows I have reached a breaking point and in the mental and emotional state I am in, I cant show emotional joy or love to anyone. I dont know if it is meds, Tried to cut back and I lose my mind. I become irate, angry and lash out at anyone who gets too close. I would rather be alone so I stop hurting everyone.

So I got out of bed, barely. Moved to couch where I will spend the day, Today is the 4th of July, used to be fun, BBQ, fireworks, friends. All gone now.My pain meds are kicking in, heat is helping some. Dont know to what capacity I will function today but am staying quiet and drugged so I dont piss anyone off. Tomorrow I will wake alone again and can cry openly.