Today is the first day I went out driving in a month..I still have dizziness but the shaky feeling comes and goes. I had errands to run and with no support I have no choice but to go myself.

I dont know if some people understand what it is like to have a condition that has limitations. It is so easy for them to say, “go out, be social”..who the hell wants to be social when you feel like total shit. I talked with an old friend last night who is going thru addiction issues, we have the same depressive feelings and behavior. Our struggles are similar although the cause is different. It was nice to hear a caring voice, lord knows my family doesnt call to show concern.

My Mom has had my sister visiting and I havent heard from her except one phone call and a message on the machine with bad news, thats the only time I hear from her, bad fucking news reports. When I was there caring for her last year she called or talked to my sister daily while I was there, but when my sister is there not one call to me..Fucking bullshit. My sister goes home today, I am sure I will hear from my Mom once shes gone and Mom gets lonely..well, she can leave all the messages she wants, I am done pandering for attention. Let her call my sister and get comfort from her. She seems to be all she cares about anyway.

I want to go away, ALONE, to live by myself where I have the control over my life and no one can get in unless I let them. My heart and soul are bound with steel to shield off all the fucking shit people place on me. I am guarded, even against the two people I love..I dont want to be held, or touched or coddled to. It is easy enough for them to fucking ignore me. Yet expect me to be there when they want me. I hate fucking expectations..I am done giving in to them.

 

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