Archive for August, 2012


Waking angry

Didn’t sleep most of night. Finally around 4 something finally.. Sleep. Only to be woken suddenly by a greeting called into the room.. Don’t know what it is but when I am stunned awake, I wake fully..and angry. I could honestly beat the shit out of something at that point. I hate being angry because I only end up hurting myself.
Does anyone fucking care that I haven’t had sleep? Obviously not..If that was the case, no one fucking wake me out of a sound sleep.
I would say something but of course it would be my fault for whatever reason. Of course there is resentment because I could sleep all day..
This is an ongoing issue that has to be resolved before I slice my fucking arm open.

It is a leading question, I have learned this over time that it is better to say nothing and say everything is fine. And after a few MM’s, it is best to just go to bed and avoid the question altogether.

Seems I dont have to think at all, H does all the thinking and deciding for me. I cant ever be right , even if I repeat word for word what was said, I am wrong. Fuck that.  Why would I still put myself out there.

Blah, blah blah, and what do you think? Ha! Fuck you ..thats what I really think.

summing it up

Pretty much summed up what life is, knew it wouldnt happen, always conditional, ever diminished.

This shit just pisses me off even more..I would go to bed at this moment but im busy cooking fucking frozen sauce at 7:30 pm. Fucker.

Missing : Me

Every day as I try and push to keep going, move forward, be smarter, think not jump, I wonder when and if I will cope with my life. I am in limbo, turmoil, however you say it, it’s always the same feeling, I want to run, disappear, just pack it all in and go. One reason I don’t do this is because I know how it feels to have someone just become invisible and not be heard from for months. At this point I dont care what my family thinks, but H has already been stressed out by me more than any one person should be. L would be more carefree about it, she would just think I would come back and I was ok (your a big girl) she said about mot talking to me for weeks at a time.

I without decision am being told I have to sit put and shut up for 6 yrs, or more. Being told to just let the place go to hell and throw everything out. The expectation is what really grills the fuck out of me. I have counted the last 20 times I have cooked a meal and sat and ate at table, food is wolfed down quickly and I end up sitting at the table alone eating my food. Look I get that H does his share, but the lack of respect for what I do is beyond me. There are many little things like this that add up so quickly my head could explode.

I am going to try to smile and have a good weekend, long weekend. I am going to smile and have a good trip soon, bite my tongue til I bleed so nothing wrong, sarcastic, or nasty is said. Like a fucking timid mouse I will do my best to just shut the fuck up. How long can it possibly go on like this..the lack of communication, respect, friendship, love..has just drawn me into a deep fucking hole I have no energy to climb out of.

Someday I am going to find me, the person who has been taken, lost, shredded, broken, withered, damaged, and hurt. Right now I am a weak warrior hiding behind a shield of armor. That never was me, I had grown independent. I know when and where I failed..I knew the moment I stepped down the wrong path because I trusted others, not my own mind and heart, like I should have. Those first steps set me on a rocky up and down road down to this hole. That step allowed others to have the power over me. Now having been stripped of any dependence I had, I havent the energy to start over. Until I disappear..and find ME.

control

So sick of the control shit. It has extended into every aspect of my life. My ideas are twisted and taken on as someone elses and controlled to the point where I give up on them. Can or will I ever be able to fucking do what I want? Fucking forbid I even open up and say anything about it..I become the bad guy, the one to blame, the problem.

It is all in my head, is what I hear..yup it is in my head, I agree..but if it is there someone fucking made me feel that way for it to be there.

 

When you wait long enough for something, you continue to follow through, answer questions, be honest..well it is a good feeling when it pays off. Yet that feeling comes with other mixed emotions. Of uselessness, loss of self worth and a step down on the rung where others see you differently. I am not one who cares what anyone thinks, but what I think of myself matters a lot to me.

With the good news I should have been excited for, follows up with sad news about a sweet lady who found out a week ago she had cancer, initially told she has a few months, a day later she is back in a hospital bed dying. I cannot imagine how the shock affects family and friends. There is no time to do any of those things you always said you would do. No chance to even get your life settled. No time for it to absorb so the family can do just everything they can for their loved one. All I can think is now she has no pain, pain she suffered silently with for awhile it seems.

Once again I react in ugliness to things that I am aware of, I know better, I have heard the bullshit for longer than I want to think about. How could someone just be so unorganized, dramatic, ignorant and insensitive in life. The bullshit I have heard for so long, once again comes up and I worry, worry myself and think all terrible thoughts. Two days later it is as if nothing happened..and I am in the dark. When will I learn my heart is continuing to betray me and I have to stop letting it control me. I am scared, changes are coming soon and fast..I fear of losing everything for complete unknown. In an instant I am scarred and feel awful. It will fade I know, but hiding it is difficult. I dont know what to expect should it be found.

Have errands today..will get me out..maybe with my camera in hand.

Run Run Run

I want to run..run away..today I thought, there is no escape for the weary. I am too tired, too weak..But in my head I just want to get out. I want to be by myself, live by myself, sleep eat..just all by myself. I dont know where, I dont know how. I have never lived alone, never been on my own. I went from my Moms to my Husbands..never just me. Which has lead to the question of who am I, how long have I been without knowing my true self. Just me. I feel if I run I will know, I will have to find out. Learn what is inside of me and be that person whoever she may be.

I have been in runaway mode for some time, I cant talk to anyone about this because NO ONE understands, at least no one I know. I have tried to have hope, tried to have dreams, everyone else interjects themselves into my dreams. MY dream is to be by myself. I guess after so long of belonging to someone else and living the dreams of others. When I did talk about MY dream, it now has taken on new form and become ‘our’ dream..

I have little choices, although other people may look at my situation from the outside and see a world of choice..but with no say on my part, no decisions I can make alone, those ‘seen’ choices are diminished. A funny thing that runs through my head is something said the other day..regarding me to someone else…how if I left I would be walking away from the goose that lays the golden eggs..well..those eggs arent gold to me, they come with a price..one I am not wanting, willing or able to pay any more.