When you wait long enough for something, you continue to follow through, answer questions, be honest..well it is a good feeling when it pays off. Yet that feeling comes with other mixed emotions. Of uselessness, loss of self worth and a step down on the rung where others see you differently. I am not one who cares what anyone thinks, but what I think of myself matters a lot to me.

With the good news I should have been excited for, follows up with sad news about a sweet lady who found out a week ago she had cancer, initially told she has a few months, a day later she is back in a hospital bed dying. I cannot imagine how the shock affects family and friends. There is no time to do any of those things you always said you would do. No chance to even get your life settled. No time for it to absorb so the family can do just everything they can for their loved one. All I can think is now she has no pain, pain she suffered silently with for awhile it seems.

Once again I react in ugliness to things that I am aware of, I know better, I have heard the bullshit for longer than I want to think about. How could someone just be so unorganized, dramatic, ignorant and insensitive in life. The bullshit I have heard for so long, once again comes up and I worry, worry myself and think all terrible thoughts. Two days later it is as if nothing happened..and I am in the dark. When will I learn my heart is continuing to betray me and I have to stop letting it control me. I am scared, changes are coming soon and fast..I fear of losing everything for complete unknown. In an instant I am scarred and feel awful. It will fade I know, but hiding it is difficult. I dont know what to expect should it be found.

Have errands today..will get me out..maybe with my camera in hand.

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