Every day as I try and push to keep going, move forward, be smarter, think not jump, I wonder when and if I will cope with my life. I am in limbo, turmoil, however you say it, it’s always the same feeling, I want to run, disappear, just pack it all in and go. One reason I don’t do this is because I know how it feels to have someone just become invisible and not be heard from for months. At this point I dont care what my family thinks, but H has already been stressed out by me more than any one person should be. L would be more carefree about it, she would just think I would come back and I was ok (your a big girl) she said about mot talking to me for weeks at a time.

I without decision am being told I have to sit put and shut up for 6 yrs, or more. Being told to just let the place go to hell and throw everything out. The expectation is what really grills the fuck out of me. I have counted the last 20 times I have cooked a meal and sat and ate at table, food is wolfed down quickly and I end up sitting at the table alone eating my food. Look I get that H does his share, but the lack of respect for what I do is beyond me. There are many little things like this that add up so quickly my head could explode.

I am going to try to smile and have a good weekend, long weekend. I am going to smile and have a good trip soon, bite my tongue til I bleed so nothing wrong, sarcastic, or nasty is said. Like a fucking timid mouse I will do my best to just shut the fuck up. How long can it possibly go on like this..the lack of communication, respect, friendship, love..has just drawn me into a deep fucking hole I have no energy to climb out of.

Someday I am going to find me, the person who has been taken, lost, shredded, broken, withered, damaged, and hurt. Right now I am a weak warrior hiding behind a shield of armor. That never was me, I had grown independent. I know when and where I failed..I knew the moment I stepped down the wrong path because I trusted others, not my own mind and heart, like I should have. Those first steps set me on a rocky up and down road down to this hole. That step allowed others to have the power over me. Now having been stripped of any dependence I had, I havent the energy to start over. Until I disappear..and find ME.

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