Archive for October, 2012


Tipsy Turvy

I never used to mind drinking, people drinking around me, I used to drink but because of medications I can no longer. I am so sick of watching people get drunk. Keep filling the glass once, twice, three..four times? I cannot deal with the after effects. I am grossed out by it. Turned off by it. It is going to destroy whats left of a relationship.

Advertisements

Two in one day..

What a week..I am stronger now, I can feel it..So no one can make me feel dependent, lost, or like I have no where to go. I am done being a victim, done with being controlled. I have enough going on right now that I am done by 5pm, I dont need expectations from anyone. I dont need questions..I certainly am onto the vicious circle of the build up, the fight, the quiet that comes after, then the acting like nothing happened..and this time without even apologies. Those dont matter because I am not buying it..

The question that was asked of me I responded to out of truth and strength, not anger. I meant what I said..

So I think you were just sitting around bored because your gossip bitch sidekick went to work..so you called me to fuck with me, YES I said FUCK..I will say fuck more because I know you hate it. And your game playing bullshit about making me feel guilty for accepting your ‘present’ that I now find out had strings attached, well its on its way back to you. Stick it up your fucking ass. I dont want ‘gifts’ that I need to feel indebted to you for. Big fucking mistake, you should have found something to do besides call me to play fucking games.

And while I am at it..your fucking bullshit of saying shit while you scream at me, then forget what you said and deny it the next time you call me to start shit and scream at me, is exactly that..fucking bullshit. My mind works enough to remember the horrible things you have said to me. All your shit comes right around to be about you, every time, you selfish bitch, you turn it all around to be about you and how alone, or how sad your life is. Call your gossip girl..in fact, I called your gossip girl to remind her that you both need to get your shit straight. If you are both going to sit and talk shit about me (and others) you should get your facts clear. Nothing you say is right because you dont know anything about me anymore. You dont care to fucking know. And I dont want to hear her side of the story 3 months later..a little too fucking late.

I have known you are a selfish bitch since I was 12 years old..nothings changed, only that I continued to try to give you a chance thinking there may have been change..how wrong I was to believe you would change.

And my head is fine, screwed on right. I was smart enough to cut the cord long ago, why I got involved again wasnt to TAKE from you..it was to give. The other high rise gossip girl should cut her cord..she is still inside of you the way she acts..guess who will be taking care of you next time..probably not her because her life is more important to her..and DEF not me, so looks like you’ll be taken care of by strangers for weeks if not longer..your fucking games will pay off for you in the end..I dont care what you have or how you want to make people think you are better than you are..you will lose in the end..you said it your life is short..and fucking sad. You get what you put out there..KARMA bitch..fucking Karma!

dilemma of my heartbreak

I did the right thing. I was lied to, I was ignored. I was once again left waiting for her. She never showed, she lied to me. Her priorities were once again self centered.  All the talk of love, commitment, soulmates, the future of us, the unbreakable bond. No matter what happens we will be connected with heartstrings.

But what of the lies, how do you lie to someone you profess love and emotion for. And when confronted the lies only grew. How could I believe her to be mine when her life is somewhere else. When she climbs into her husbands bed, when she takes her kids to school, when her work interferes and the time that was supposed to be mine now is spent with someone else.

I know confronting her was right, I know speaking my mind was right, I know telling her my feelings,good and bad ..it was all the right thing to do. Yet when the reply comes back without regret, without solace..the response was “I did nothing wrong” ..of course she didnt , she never believes she does..My response to that was just “Fuck you”..my text response to the 5 texts saying “I did nothing wrong” was “dont fall off your high horse and break your crown”..shes never wrong, she never takes the blame for the lies, for the evasive behavior, for the eluding the truth..it will never change.

Maybe I am just understanding that it will never change, there will never be a future, I will be long gone and she will be there. Doing her thing, always right, always in control, always self centered. I wont matter..no matter what she says..the words ring in my head..”I think about you all the time”, “I want to be with you”..if those words were true the actions would follow..not just when she is in need but for my needs as well..When I call and I am sent to VM, .when I was with her and watched her actually introduce me as a neighbor and not a friend, watch her flirt and act stupid about it..what are we 16?

The fear feeds the lies, feeds the bullshit drama that follows..I cant take it. I want to be so done and forget, to not turn my head when I hear her near, to not wonder about her..I know that is what is right, but my heart breaks, my soul aches, my eyes tear, I want to see her, to hear her, to smell her. I want her to make the time, I want her to just be free and not fearful. It will never happen I know what is right..I can no longer fool myself into believing her. I can no longer wait and put ME on hold..I am taking the steps to move forward, to not look behind, to not turn my head..she doesnt, why should I? I have to just take the steps to make my life what I need it to be.

Breathe and step into my new life..live it. She is living hers without me, she is breathing without me..maybe not perfectly, I dont know what to believe so I must not believe any of it.

Love myself enough to not allow anyone to hurt me or break my heart any longer. Once I am gone it will be easier..keep telling myself that.

Hopefully those feelings will fade, the tears will stop..somedays I am so strong, others I collapse into the dilemma of my heartbreak.

My pretty girl

It happens every time..attachment to a pet and grief at its death. how many times do you go through it when it becomes easier. It doesn’t. It never will.

Not only a pet but a confidant, a grateful, perceptive sweet love that could never come from a person. They know when you are hurting, they know when you need love. They respond to the things you say to them that they learn consistently means how grateful you are in return.

My love, my heart has died a little more this week. I buried my friend, my beautiful girl. She didnt deserve the way she died. Thankfully it was quick and she looked as pretty as when she was breathing. My disbelief and sadness is still there, this one has been harder on me than some of the others in the past. She was always and will always be special. She is at peace and although her life was wonderful and she lived it the way she wanted, I could only wish her the same happiness and freedom forever. She is with the others..all loved, all mourned, all respectfully laid to peace.

Life can really throw shit at you quickly..I could never believe that I am being tested because it would only be cruelty. In the end, it teaches you to cherish, to treat every thing, human, animals..with decency and love and patience.

I will miss my girl..my pretty girl, mama loves her.

 

Tired

So tired, feel like I could sleep for days. Beginning to clear out more and more..soon all will be in boxes except essentials for daily living.

Future unknown, uncertainty stresses me.