I did the right thing. I was lied to, I was ignored. I was once again left waiting for her. She never showed, she lied to me. Her priorities were once again self centered.  All the talk of love, commitment, soulmates, the future of us, the unbreakable bond. No matter what happens we will be connected with heartstrings.

But what of the lies, how do you lie to someone you profess love and emotion for. And when confronted the lies only grew. How could I believe her to be mine when her life is somewhere else. When she climbs into her husbands bed, when she takes her kids to school, when her work interferes and the time that was supposed to be mine now is spent with someone else.

I know confronting her was right, I know speaking my mind was right, I know telling her my feelings,good and bad ..it was all the right thing to do. Yet when the reply comes back without regret, without solace..the response was “I did nothing wrong” ..of course she didnt , she never believes she does..My response to that was just “Fuck you”..my text response to the 5 texts saying “I did nothing wrong” was “dont fall off your high horse and break your crown”..shes never wrong, she never takes the blame for the lies, for the evasive behavior, for the eluding the truth..it will never change.

Maybe I am just understanding that it will never change, there will never be a future, I will be long gone and she will be there. Doing her thing, always right, always in control, always self centered. I wont matter..no matter what she says..the words ring in my head..”I think about you all the time”, “I want to be with you”..if those words were true the actions would follow..not just when she is in need but for my needs as well..When I call and I am sent to VM, .when I was with her and watched her actually introduce me as a neighbor and not a friend, watch her flirt and act stupid about it..what are we 16?

The fear feeds the lies, feeds the bullshit drama that follows..I cant take it. I want to be so done and forget, to not turn my head when I hear her near, to not wonder about her..I know that is what is right, but my heart breaks, my soul aches, my eyes tear, I want to see her, to hear her, to smell her. I want her to make the time, I want her to just be free and not fearful. It will never happen I know what is right..I can no longer fool myself into believing her. I can no longer wait and put ME on hold..I am taking the steps to move forward, to not look behind, to not turn my head..she doesnt, why should I? I have to just take the steps to make my life what I need it to be.

Breathe and step into my new life..live it. She is living hers without me, she is breathing without me..maybe not perfectly, I dont know what to believe so I must not believe any of it.

Love myself enough to not allow anyone to hurt me or break my heart any longer. Once I am gone it will be easier..keep telling myself that.

Hopefully those feelings will fade, the tears will stop..somedays I am so strong, others I collapse into the dilemma of my heartbreak.

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