Archive for November, 2012


Fuck love and all that it implies..for any living creature or yourself because everything dies and then nothing matters anymore.

Promises used to matter. promises made to each other out of love, out of care. When past tense is used in paragraphs and texts lovED, carED, needED..fuck..dead love is not good happy love. promises forgotten, love forgotten, care and concern forgotten. Why are memories so bad, remembering those promises, the words of love, the years invested..is not dwelling, a recollection is not living in the past. you can live FOR the future but still remember the past. Everyone seems to have different memories, mine are filled with love, fun, joy..of our life, the long and short of it.

Saying you have no memories, you loved me, you once cared, means its over..in my mind I knew all along it was over, everyone else could see..but not me. I fought the end hard, I got in your face, explained how I felt, I got looked at with dead eyes, eyes manipulated by better things, newer things, you prioritized the monetary things, the “what lies ahead” for you is a life without me, yet you promised me I would be your future, it would be us together..always..Fucking liar..Fucking lies..your words are full of them, They come flowing from your mouth so easily. To me, to him, to them..to all the people who you pretend to be someone else for. Your fake fucking world will crash in on you one day. I wont be there this time to pick you up, strengthen you, talk to you through the night so you can wake fresh and feel good about yourself. You have taken that part of me and destroyed it. You have killed my soul, tormented my heart til it burst. It is dead now, my life is no more precious than all those fucking promises. And when I wither and bleed out, you will move on to the next buck, the next job, priorities will take away every last memory of me from your mind. Though most have been gone for some time, you have CHOSEN to forget. Forget us, the love, the DEEP love we knew was inside us. You lied and said you still felt it, you promised it would never go away. You fucking lied again.

My promise is to scrawl your fucking name into my skin before I close my eyes and never wake. And that is a promise I will keep. Not for you..for ME.

push and pull

I cannot rest, my life in turmoil, my family not speaking to me. No friends except those that dont really know me. A partner who looks at me like he is sickened that I breathe. My heart is held by someone who chose to scream Fuck You as she drove by my home. She who has blocked me from calling or contacting her. No goodbyes, no see ya..just vitriolic texts.

I want to be alone. I want to not have to live up to expectations or feel nervous about what I did or said to make everyone hate me. I want to live my life the way it is in my head and that will never be. That has been decided for me. I wait and pray and all the while the change in the person who I hold so dear has turned me to question my own self, my own trust.
I feel pushed and pulled by my own self conscience. What keeps me waking and breathing everyday if all that I have dreamed for is a fallacy.

Confusion

Did he forget? How do you forget within hours. Or how do you pretend like nothing ever happened? I am living in a state of confusion the last two days. It all is pretty much laid out on the table. What are the choices? What will the decisions be? How can you make any decision about what the next step is towards your entire life, when you cant admit there is an issue?

It is part of the everlasting circle that I am in and am just learning how to get out.