Archive for December, 2012


still

Still as in still here, still going, still trying..but definitely not still in the calm sense. I still feel like I am having a nervous breakdown every day. I still feel like I am having a heart attack every day, still in pain, still angry and hurt by the lying bitch who ignores me and chooses to not speak to me, yet moves on with her lies and life unaffected. It wouldnt be so bad if she wasnt in my face daily, way too close for comfort for me. I know hurt becomes anger and my levels are off the charts. Trying hard to keep peace within the house, not always working, left on friday and slept in truck..vicious circle shit that never ends..12 yrs ago I had doubts..12 yrs later and added habitual behaviors on his part and mine nothing has changed except we still cannot connect like we used to. I want to be positive, want to feel ok about moving forward but cannot take anymore of life in the circle..Still I am here..still going..so far.

The End

“What were all those dreams we shared, so many years ago. What were all those plans we had , now left beside the road. Behind us in the road ” ~ Pearl Jam

What happens when one person in a relationship cherishes and remembers and the other chooses not to? Remembering the past is not dwelling. I liked those memories, until I found out how one-sided this relationship is. The promises, the undeniable attraction, thewritten words of undying love..being told “I focus on what lies ahead”..lies being a key word I guess. I am a fool. A broken hearted  fool. I believed the words, the memories..I believed in the plan for the future..until the priorities got skewed..got all fucked up. Chosen was a life supposedly hated..with a man who supposedly was dying..was disgusting..but he was the choice. That life was her choice. And all the promises she made to me for 8 years are now diminished into memories that I no longer want to remember. It is here in front of me, on the streets I drive, the air I breathe, the sun and moon I see. I need to be somewhere else. I need new memories of me, what its like to be by myself, live my life..I will never be so stupid again to believe in love. To believe not what he tells you to get something from you, to not believe what she says either.

How is it the one girl in my life who I trusted with my entire being would take my love and crush my soul to nothing. And she did it so easily and moved forward to what lies ahead.