Archive for February, 2013


In like a what?

A few days March will be upon us. As we cut ties with one and shut the door a new door is already opened..This is good, I feel positive about stepping through and making this happen. I pushed to do a month worth of chores into a week.  Woke late today and with trepidation over the day. Walked on eggshells not knowing then decided to go back to bed.

I have been trying, to be compassionate, to be flirty, to be kind..even a little touchy feely..I have put that out into the relationship and as expected, was ignored, turned down, and pushed away. But I am supposed to keep trying..so he says.  Then of course there is her..her with the non communication but thinking when she says jump I will still say how high. Today when beckoned, my response was that I refuse to give chase anymore. It has been 3 days..one day I gave to her to relax..but of course higher priorities prevail and I am last..hell not even least because I am not on the to do list at all with her. She plays games, he plays games..I am playing my game now..my hand sits still..waiting it out..capturing moments for myself and forging on through the next door..there will be more, and if they dont open I will kick them in. My strength, courage and last of my will is sitting dormant. One day I will be free..no games..no rejection because I will never place myself in a position like I am in ever again. Weather wise March may come in like a lamb, but we are full force roaring..

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Valentines..really

Nearly two months fully into new year, just past Valentines..thank you..I got 2 very nice texts from old lovers..I had a visit from my girl with a gift for me..for my pain, the crap I live with daily..yet the time she spent talking to me was more valuable to me than the gift. My hubby, who I left a card and candy for he would find when he woke, well..got a email from him when the day was nearly over saying thanks. He did come home with Ice cream and cherries. Somewhat redeemed..I don’t like the gift exchange thing anymore..it is just so expected and would rather be surprised..I don’t like birthdays anymore, Christmas..Anniversaries..well they suck because it is a reminder that I fucked up and yet we still move on like a pretend life..like we are trying but not enough, that it might work, but maybe not..Always unsettled, always in limbo.

Seeing her on a different level where I am not a fucking mental case over it, have cleared my head, made my choices..of course those choices are to leave the place where I have been hiding, the place of remembrance, the place where the scene of the crime happened. The tragic love story of two people who took a leap of faith and started a new life only to have one of them (namely me) fuck it all up and destroy the other ones dreams. I will pay for that even once gone.  I have been content in fact that I will move on and be in a new place, find my own way, yet still alongside him, my friend now. Trying to regain the friendship is much easier than rebuilding intimacies.  Being away from so many reminders of what I cannot have, what is not mine, but belongs to another. Away from a place of shame and fear and judgement.  Leaving her is tearing my heart open and letting it bleed out. I stand strong in this choice until I look into her now teary eyes, her saying I am killing her by leaving, her crying harder than I have ever witnessed. But to listen to my heart and stay in a place where she wants me but is not willing to give up her fucked up existence to be free. She chooses to live in fear, to live with hers and be ashamed, to live lies. I can no longer be here, the toy she plays with when she feels like. She is strong, she will be fine. She has her work, her kids. All her promises to me are like magical lyrics to a mythological song. A song she sings to herself to feel good. I cannot wait for that song to become real. I am not waiting.