Archive for July, 2013


SAGA Sunday

I have been sleeping my life away. Sadly all the things I wanted to see and do here aren’t happening. I feel awful. Possibly thyroid but it has worn on me to the point I am unsocial. I dont want to go out, I dont want to stay in. I force myself to get to the store for groceries to be considerate, Little good it does me. My sleeping has thrown my body clock off and I am up all hours or sleeping through the ones when I should be awake.

Coming here I fooled myself into believing I would be better. “I am gonna walk, ride bikes, kayak, swim every day. ” I have been swimming but maybe 2x a week. Wanting so badly to get to the beach last week but was too tired. The spoon theory is pissing me off as I never have enough to get through half the day. I am lazy. I hate it. I try to paint, I can barely see, I cant focus my eyes, all is a blur. I bought pharmacy readers, highest available, they allow me to see my iPod and paint closely. I am not liking anything I am painting, who is gonna even want it. I dont even have energy to sit at the local flea to sell my shit. The arts association seems snobby. Money money money..memberships, forms to fill out..I wanted to get my Ga License to do hair but the form is confusing and I think to myself ‘why cant I concentrate anymore?’ Even typing I have to go back a hundred times to see if its right. I touch type..I fear my future is dim..no career, no money..no good days..bad health..what does that leave? Me just a mess in a ball on the couch. Sleeping again.

Advertisements

Not fit

Not fit

I wonder sometimes why I cant just have a normal friendship anymore. Why I attract problem relationships into my life. After a weekend spent with someone who I thought was the only supportive person in my life I realize I am not fit to have a friendship. I am not meant to have someone who I can tell everything to or love in such a way that makes me happy. I am the toxic one. I am the one who is at fault for destroying any friendships I have had. A bestie of 12 yrs gone, an old friend who I felt a connection to wont even return my emails. A friend who I could talk to and I had many laughs with wont return my calls or letters. A ltrusted friend who was so supportive for very tough times, cant stand to spend one more moment in my home and couldnt wait to get the fuck out. A love so deep it hurts, aches inside my entire being when I think of losing her, well..I cant chase her anymore..she has given up on promises made and dreams that were fogged by truth. Then of course the person who I spend most of my time with, feels I am just a burden and even though he gives up all to try..his heart isnt in it. 40 yrs of both our lives and we cant get along because I am so fucked up. And of course a family who I cannot deal with and abandoned.
I dont have the strength to leave, dont have the will to try. Even hopes are just thoughts that fade.

Duy Huynh