Not fit

I wonder sometimes why I cant just have a normal friendship anymore. Why I attract problem relationships into my life. After a weekend spent with someone who I thought was the only supportive person in my life I realize I am not fit to have a friendship. I am not meant to have someone who I can tell everything to or love in such a way that makes me happy. I am the toxic one. I am the one who is at fault for destroying any friendships I have had. A bestie of 12 yrs gone, an old friend who I felt a connection to wont even return my emails. A friend who I could talk to and I had many laughs with wont return my calls or letters. A ltrusted friend who was so supportive for very tough times, cant stand to spend one more moment in my home and couldnt wait to get the fuck out. A love so deep it hurts, aches inside my entire being when I think of losing her, well..I cant chase her anymore..she has given up on promises made and dreams that were fogged by truth. Then of course the person who I spend most of my time with, feels I am just a burden and even though he gives up all to try..his heart isnt in it. 40 yrs of both our lives and we cant get along because I am so fucked up. And of course a family who I cannot deal with and abandoned.
I dont have the strength to leave, dont have the will to try. Even hopes are just thoughts that fade.

Duy Huynh