Archive for August, 2013

Reversal in fear

Years ago, I would have been scared. In fact I was..very scared. When the unthinkable happened I didnt see it coming, I was naive then maybe. Now I know, I see it and I have no fear. The same set of events, the same conditions, without the fear. Concern, yes..Fear..nope. Maybe all that I have endured makes my heart hardened to it. Maybe I am ready to be responsible for my own destiny.  Maybe I am done trying so hard to help someone that doesnt want my help. Whichever way it goes, if in fact the unfortunate occurs..I cant imagine how I will feel. One can never prepare for feelings yet to come. Maybe then I will feel the fear I once felt. It is just not there right now.


No 77 Paul Strand

Art Quote of the Day


“The artist’s world is limitless. It can be found anywhere, far from where he lives or a few feet away. It is always on his doorstep.” Paul Strand

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I used to think when I was a teenager that falling in love was amazing. Learned through life it is not the falling but the staying in love that is the hard part. You could give someone everything of yourself and end up with nothing. I have fallen in love several times mostly that young love where your stomach flutters and you are mesmerized by that person. Falling when I was 18 was that way and after a few years it still felt so good, it wasnt until many years later after a few struggles of life that the flutter stopped. It became harder to deal with him, at times now I look back and see it was something that was there that I overlooked the whole time. The control, the overbearing detail of certain things. I saw through them because I was still head over heels. Maybe it was once that faded that the stress points began. Over time they weakened to where my need was so great a different person who needed also made me feel that flutter. Of course it wasnt right, of course it wasnt permanent, just like those grade school crushes. But it was nice to feel loved and feel wanted not just for household drudgery. When it grew deeper I became mesmerized, to the point I lost sight of right and wrong and continued to go in the wrong direction knowingly. When all this came to light there was a choice. I could go or stay. I could follow my heart or my head. I know I would have  followed my heart and it would have been broken quick and easy at some point. My head was filled with talk of acceptance and concern, love and care from this one who hadnt shown me these things before. So I did what was right. I stayed. Now I believe it was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made in my entire life. It led to years of hurt, deceit, pain, not just for me but for everyone involved. The control got worse, the detail became a barbed thorn that you can never pull out. I pushed on, sorting it all out as it went along. With only myself to blame and the self loathing and bitterness I created within me I am a changed person. I am someone I do not know.  The one who i cherish  wont tell me what is going on. For my own sanity I had to remove myself from that atmosphere. Distance myself from what was toxic to ME. I still have chose control, to be without love, to yearn for kindness and touch. Still down on myself because these are my choices, none of which I seem to make right. He lives in denial of it all, thinking it will all be alright. Telling me “out of sight, out of mind”, yet she (when I hear from her) professes love, forever, dreams she will make come true, wholeness of what we had..but her fears and guilt drive her to silence. To not keep in touch, to reject her need to talk to me. The silence has driven me to turning points and ultimatums, to choices that are most likely wrong but for ME, for MY own sanity I must make. So I profess my love. My willingness to always be here, to never ignore or turn away..but to not contact. Not beg. Not chase. I write all that and never get a response. What am I supposed to think.

If those somedays should ever happen will I have trust? Will I feel whole again? Will that love be as full and fluttery and mesmerizing as it once was, as it still is in my being? I dont want to dwell on it or I will lose what I set out to do, be free..for me. Be sane, be healthy..all for me. That is my choice and I believe right now it is one of the first good ones I have made in awhile.

Low Down

The early morning is not something I normally witness. I am up late for whatever reason I cannot sleep until the wee hours. Then I get my best sleep during the day.  But the few mornings I have been up before dawn I have loved to go out on the porch and smell the air. The salt permeates the heavy dew and I feel like the marsh is right there in the darkness. I would love to live on the marsh, I see those houses on the way to the beach that sit high away from the channel of river with thier long walkways to the decking and boat docks. Some of these sit dry in their pilings and only when the tide is high are the owners able to get in and out. So even though the woods surround the place I live, beyond them the water is there and until the sun rises and burns off the mist that salt air reminds me that I am here..where I wanted to be..back then I wished for this, wished to be in an alive city, close enough to water so I could be in it.

The last few days maybe even weeks, my heart breaks for the one thing I left behind, believing it would still be, believing it would sustain any distance. Slowly realty takes over and I see it is a fallacy. It takes two to be strong enough. I am here..always, making that fact aware and still feeling rejected.  The reality has also hit that I am here alone in emotional need. I am lonely, living with someone who I gain nothing from. My wanting and needing to be able to talk to someone certainly cant be done with him. It gets turned around, if it is negative I bring him down, if it is positive I must be feeling great and then he gets annoyed I cannot do expected things. Chore and household things..not anything else. If I make smalltalk I get talked over and then kick myself for even opening my mouth, no matter what I say. Today I actually looked for a therapist..which I swore I wouldnt do again but feel desperation. However i mustered the energy and motivated myself to leave the couch today and go to the beach. Past the marsh houses with their docks in the muddy channels. Always feel like I accomplished something self fulfilling once I am home and showered. Climbing into my bed very late and feeling like I am floating in the swell still under the blue sky and feeling warmed by the sun and still smelling the salt in the air. Somehow it heals me, makes my heart less broken, my feeling of being here is what I really wanted and needed. I may even get up early to smell the salt in the mist of the low country.