The early morning is not something I normally witness. I am up late for whatever reason I cannot sleep until the wee hours. Then I get my best sleep during the day.  But the few mornings I have been up before dawn I have loved to go out on the porch and smell the air. The salt permeates the heavy dew and I feel like the marsh is right there in the darkness. I would love to live on the marsh, I see those houses on the way to the beach that sit high away from the channel of river with thier long walkways to the decking and boat docks. Some of these sit dry in their pilings and only when the tide is high are the owners able to get in and out. So even though the woods surround the place I live, beyond them the water is there and until the sun rises and burns off the mist that salt air reminds me that I am here..where I wanted to be..back then I wished for this, wished to be in an alive city, close enough to water so I could be in it.

The last few days maybe even weeks, my heart breaks for the one thing I left behind, believing it would still be, believing it would sustain any distance. Slowly realty takes over and I see it is a fallacy. It takes two to be strong enough. I am here..always, making that fact aware and still feeling rejected.  The reality has also hit that I am here alone in emotional need. I am lonely, living with someone who I gain nothing from. My wanting and needing to be able to talk to someone certainly cant be done with him. It gets turned around, if it is negative I bring him down, if it is positive I must be feeling great and then he gets annoyed I cannot do expected things. Chore and household things..not anything else. If I make smalltalk I get talked over and then kick myself for even opening my mouth, no matter what I say. Today I actually looked for a therapist..which I swore I wouldnt do again but feel desperation. However i mustered the energy and motivated myself to leave the couch today and go to the beach. Past the marsh houses with their docks in the muddy channels. Always feel like I accomplished something self fulfilling once I am home and showered. Climbing into my bed very late and feeling like I am floating in the swell still under the blue sky and feeling warmed by the sun and still smelling the salt in the air. Somehow it heals me, makes my heart less broken, my feeling of being here is what I really wanted and needed. I may even get up early to smell the salt in the mist of the low country.

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