I used to think when I was a teenager that falling in love was amazing. Learned through life it is not the falling but the staying in love that is the hard part. You could give someone everything of yourself and end up with nothing. I have fallen in love several times mostly that young love where your stomach flutters and you are mesmerized by that person. Falling when I was 18 was that way and after a few years it still felt so good, it wasnt until many years later after a few struggles of life that the flutter stopped. It became harder to deal with him, at times now I look back and see it was something that was there that I overlooked the whole time. The control, the overbearing detail of certain things. I saw through them because I was still head over heels. Maybe it was once that faded that the stress points began. Over time they weakened to where my need was so great a different person who needed also made me feel that flutter. Of course it wasnt right, of course it wasnt permanent, just like those grade school crushes. But it was nice to feel loved and feel wanted not just for household drudgery. When it grew deeper I became mesmerized, to the point I lost sight of right and wrong and continued to go in the wrong direction knowingly. When all this came to light there was a choice. I could go or stay. I could follow my heart or my head. I know I would have  followed my heart and it would have been broken quick and easy at some point. My head was filled with talk of acceptance and concern, love and care from this one who hadnt shown me these things before. So I did what was right. I stayed. Now I believe it was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made in my entire life. It led to years of hurt, deceit, pain, not just for me but for everyone involved. The control got worse, the detail became a barbed thorn that you can never pull out. I pushed on, sorting it all out as it went along. With only myself to blame and the self loathing and bitterness I created within me I am a changed person. I am someone I do not know.  The one who i cherish  wont tell me what is going on. For my own sanity I had to remove myself from that atmosphere. Distance myself from what was toxic to ME. I still have chose control, to be without love, to yearn for kindness and touch. Still down on myself because these are my choices, none of which I seem to make right. He lives in denial of it all, thinking it will all be alright. Telling me “out of sight, out of mind”, yet she (when I hear from her) professes love, forever, dreams she will make come true, wholeness of what we had..but her fears and guilt drive her to silence. To not keep in touch, to reject her need to talk to me. The silence has driven me to turning points and ultimatums, to choices that are most likely wrong but for ME, for MY own sanity I must make. So I profess my love. My willingness to always be here, to never ignore or turn away..but to not contact. Not beg. Not chase. I write all that and never get a response. What am I supposed to think.

If those somedays should ever happen will I have trust? Will I feel whole again? Will that love be as full and fluttery and mesmerizing as it once was, as it still is in my being? I dont want to dwell on it or I will lose what I set out to do, be free..for me. Be sane, be healthy..all for me. That is my choice and I believe right now it is one of the first good ones I have made in awhile.

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