A rush of shit is in my head. Granted my creativity level is high when I am at my most fucked up. Therefore I have been painting shit I actually like. But that isn’t the post at hand. I have 3 things pressing on me at the moment, well probably more but top three suck.

One is I woke up a few days ago aware of dreams I had about a girl I made friends with at 9 yrs old. Sue was tough and didn’t like me at first. We had met first when I visited friends of my Moms on the other side of the mountain. Then a few months later she moved in across the street. Right at the time I had fallen off my bike and was on crutches. There were only 4 girls our age in the rural lake area we lived in. Two were twins who were under careful eye of their foster mother. Sue and I were able to do more stuff, just us two. We were best friends and all that goes along with it, secrets, promises, and trust. We were inseparable for years. We grew up fast, drinking at bars at an early age, sneaking in and getting away with it. Having lots of boyfriends, The running joke was, she would date them, then I would..I was a year younger. We both hated high school, never went, which seemed ok with her Mom but not ok with mine. I was dragged out of her house one morning at 7am kicking and screaming because I didn’t want to get on the bus. Sue always had my back, I wasn’t so tough and she was my protector. Early teens we got into a lot of trouble, had bad reputations, and liked it that way. Through a mutual guy friend she met a much older guy and started staying at his house a lot. He was nearly 20 yrs older and at 16 that seems like grandpa age. Well, she ended up moving in with him..she moved in and out a few times but then in for good and they lived happily ever after. I went when she wanted to get married to be their witness. She had a baby girl soon after and I visited and we remained close. Her hubby didn’t like that I was still out there, single and felt I was a bad influence. He began not allowing me to see her or made me feel unwelcome. BTW, he was is and will always be a huge asshole. Eventually it became a friendship where I would only run into her when she visited her Mom in the old neighborhood. I ended up moving in with my then boyfriend, now hubby..in fact when I first met him Sue had left Rich and was home..we went to the house I would soon move into and played a prank on my boyfriend..she knocked on the door at like 3am and pretended she was with the town and was doing a survey..it was hysterical at the time. She since, moved to Florida, we lost touch until that social network breakthrough, we reconnected and had some online laughs along with another girl who was so much fun back in the day. But about 2 years ago she ‘unfriended’ both myself and the other gal. I still visited with her Mom when I went back home, she was always like my second Mom..she passed last year, there is a post here I wrote about that. It was weirdly handled, nothing like what anyone would expect. Sue wouldn’t speak to me then, I tried several times to connect just to say how sorry and heartbroken I was. No response to me or to our other friend. Then I hear through the grapevine, her brother to my sister, that Sue has cancer..is ‘loaded’ ..what does that mean, Ovarian and spread to surrounding areas..now she is young..48 yrs old. She has her beautiful daughter only 29yrs old. The last picture Is aw came with the hearsay that she was doing treatment. Then the dreams a few nights ago. I knew this was bad, I woke knowing..I sent her a message saying peace, love and thinking of you. Then today I hear from my sister..Sue has very little time left. This is not about me, I know, but I feel sick. I cannot imagine what she is going through. I think thoughts of death bring us to think about ourselves more than the person dying. My thoughts are of the fun times I had, what I felt, how it all means to me. But she was part of that, an integral part of my teen life that altered me, changed me forever..I would be different if Sue wasn’t in my life then. Does it matter that she may not know that..no, because that is on me. I only wish her peace, no pain, and dreams of a heaven where she will be reunited with her Mom, her Grandma (who was amazing) and other loved ones. This is my newest ‘top’ thought.

next thought as always my beautiful girl is always in my head, heart and soul. How is it I continue to want , believe in, dream about, wish for..someone who tells me everything I want to hear, but her actions do not follow through..she says she’ll call and doesn’t, she randomly may or may not respond to texts or emails I send. It maddens me..like to craziness. I know she is upset I moved away, but it was mental for me to live right there and have her ignore me unless she wanted or needed me..like a toy..many posts here reflect this relationship. I want to call, pick up the phone and say something anything..but it has all been said..she knows all I want is contact, which she gives me on her terms, if I need or want to talk there are excuses why she cannot and I am tired of hearing them, they hurt more than anything. It has been more than a week since I have gone off on her, letting her know I have had it. It has been two weeks since I sent an email specifically saying I am not angry just hurt,  by silence and lack of respect for someone who tells me all these beautiful things lovers say but then ignores me until she needs me again. She left the last message, lighthearted, saying ‘dont be mad’ ..to call her..right, call her so she can tell me her phone is going dead, or she has to pay a bill, or someone is with her..I cant take it. So I am giving her space..she knows I am upset. I want to believe she cares but ..and but..and but…I know she lives in fear of what she truly is, I know her like no other, She will always be fearful, never free.

Third is my fucking health..sleep for days, constant fucking pain, joint pain recently to force me to take the dreaded zombie pills. Sleep more. Then a burst of energy, paint a room. Mow the yard (which makes me bedridden for 2 days after). Up nights, guilty sleep during the day. certainly not living the life I thought I would be here. Why did I think it would be different. I have recently looked back at pics, why did I care if the yard wasn’t mowed. why did I let the little shit overwhelm me, why did I go so fucking mental that I moved away from what was my hubby’s dream. Believe me I fucked that dream up so very long ago but we kept on at the farm..it could have been good, I tell myself if I hadn’t gotten sick. Maybe it still could have been good if I just didn’t let it overwhelm me. Maybe if I didn’t let the girl next door get under my skin and crawl into my soul so deep that I was obsessive and mental when she would not respond to my needs. It was a pretend life in a place with too many memories. I do see certain things are better, I am off most of the fucked up drugs that probably made me mental to begin with, I also dont have the things that in my mind were overwhelming, and I am closer to ‘life’ here..shopping, water, people..if only I felt better, could get motivated to get out there more than I have and actually ‘live’ it.

Tomorrow maybe something else will force its way into my ‘top’ three..there is only space for one thing I can actually change..and that is sadly when my friend of so many decades is gone there will be an opening.

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