And so I have calmed down, after torturing my journal, blocking, blasting, destroying, erasing..I dont feel completely cleansed but much more than I have felt. My mind is still reeling on how a person can tell someone things like “you are the only one I love”, “you are my world, my true north” “we will spend the rest of our lives together””I think only of you every moment” “I cant breathe without you” HOW could someone say those things, special things, words of love and devotion..then be cruel and say “I dont want to talk to you all the time”, “If we dont speak for weeks everything is fine” “I dont have time for you”..Is it really me? Do I expect too much from someone who supposedly is going to spend the rest of her life with me?  At the same time I have put up with her staying with an abusive husband in a disgusting house. I told her years ago to stay with her kids, not him. She was going to leave the kids, walk away and leave them with him.  I said it wasnt right. Those kids were a part of my life and she removed them from it. She made excuses. Looking back love is so fucking blind..I loved her and was just glad she was somewhat mine. So many things, too many to go into, too many to think of because all in all it makes me look like a giant ass for believing her and every little lie along the way. The connection, the pull, the contentment I felt when with her. My thought now is now that I am away and she can fuck me, get herself off at her convenience she has less feelings, all along it never felt sexual and when it came down to it that’s what held it together. Sick. It also makes me wonder what happened when a husband and wife are separated like military or whatever, they talk, they communicate, not just once every 3 weeks and when the sex isn’t there do they just fall apart.

It is her loss. I was a wonderful person before her and if I fucking live through this without slicing myself open or banging my head against the wall I may become a good person again.

My chances are slim by far..because of him..he drags me downs, tears me up and then blames me. All in the guise of taking care of me. I wish he would throw me out. Then I could really be alone, on my own, do what I want. No her, no him..I dont need love if this is what it is like. Fucking bullshit.

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