Archive for May, 2014

mistakes a-plenty

I seem to destroy myself and be hell bent on doing it often. After 5 months of not speaking to her I break down and text. Then call. Then email. Why? I dont know..maybe because I am so fucked in pain the last couple weeks I am off my fucking rocker, maybe the loneliness and inconsiderate shit I deal with got to me. Whatever it was I was ignored. In all ways. No emails in return, no calls, no texts. Did she evn listen or read my messages? My heartfelt email was just that, I miss her and let her know how much. Worthless. I am a fucking loser. I will always be until I get that lobotomy and remove every thought of her from my brain. Why does she exist there in such a way? The pros and cons list teeters to the red, the common sense scale is off the charts..the lies, the ruse, the I stupid/ Yes. A fool in love? Yes.

Anger still resides in me, her hurtful ways and lies anger me, the fact that she is being touched and loved by the fucktard troll and she is jerking him off and probably by now letting him rape her again pisses me off to no end. Am I jealous? Why am I not getting love? What I had was better than what she had a million times over and she destroyed it and left me so fucked in the head sexually I cant even get myself off without crying  my eyes out. Maybe if I had love, hugs, attention, care and concern, consideration..I would be over her and could at least feel worthy. She has destroyed me. My life, my love, my happiness, even after I have tried desperately to rebuild it all she has gotten into the core of my brain where proper thought occurs and fried it. I am sick that she could possibly be fucking him. Or someone else. She needs to be touched, isnt that why she came onto me in the first place? She was fucking some guy then and guess she found me needy like her so she teased and cried and tld me her story of woe. Initially I tried to save her, now she has her health and mine is long gone, she has her self confidence, mine lost, she has her job, mine taken from me by this fucked up illness. I will never get back what I had. I have tried to rebuild a new life, a new place, far away from her games. But my unconscious thoughts wake me in tears wanting, needing HER. FUCK FUCK FUCK…





must I?

Why can’t I stay away. Why don’t I have any strength to just let it be? It only hurts more when there is no response. I know better. I have learned. The truth will never be. I need fucking electro shock therapy or something to get over this shit. My heart is broken and my brain is damaged.

Almost 5

It is almost 5 months since I have heard your voice..said I love you, heard you tell me I am beautiful. I miss you. I miss you so very much. I listen to old voicemails, see old texts. I have a hard time looking at pictures..they make me cry. Certain smells make me cry. Songs, sounds, many things make me cry. I still cry hard for you. I cry as hard as when you were talking to me. I missed you then, I miss you more now.