Archive for June, 2014

Tears and Tears

So tired of being tired. SO sick of being sick. Tired of feeling alone. I cannot accept this is the way I will live. Once again woke to dreams of past that I dont know how to let go of. I have tried so hard. It wont leave, I would have to cut out my heart to remove this from me. I thought today would be one where I accomplish a few things since I am trapped with no vehicle for a few days.

I saw hope when I saw life that I thought had been taken, I went to see, and yes..this little tortured creature, alive and the same moment of joy I tore open the back heel of my foot below the tendon. The door came slamming in on me and my foot didnt move fast enough. A 3 inch upside down u that is a flap of bruised bloody skin. The pain..intense. I screamed, cried..I cant deal. I cant just be fucking normal about injury when my life is a struggle to begin with. I soaked it in tears, I changed water and soaked again, blood flowed..

Its wrapped and elevated. All the things I wanted to do today are put off until….




Spinning on mine is normal. being told I am mental just pisses me off. New Doctor new ideas, then some not so new. Drugs. Yup..does it matter I was crazy on them. No. Does it matter I was suicidal on some. No. This ass says drugs are my only way out. What bullshit. He doesn’t believe in holistic therapy. He rushes in, spouts off, rushes out. Fuckers should not become doctors if they aren’t prepared to deal with patients.

Other than me now again in need of a new doc, I have lost a dear friend. She is dead to me. I killed her in my head so I could get away from what is causing mental anguish in my brain. She is a fucking bitch who thinks she is better and above everyone that she doesn’t feel the need to speak to anymore. Well will get yours, you will fucking crash and burn like the horrible person you are and the lack of compassion and care you have for people who loved you will all turn around and you will see how it is to be in my shoes. Karma fucking takes too long to come about,. So I began my day believing she is dead. Gone. I cant call her because there is no more her. I cannot wish bad things on her because she is dead. The games she played with peoples lives killed her. The lies she told to everyone around her killed her. The hypocritical way she lived her life is what buried her alive. I am happy the fake fucking bitch is gone from my life.

I need to be open and free. I need to learn how to feel love again. I need to learn how to be loved. I am working on it. I will find my way and watch the fuck out, because when I do, I will crush little specks of shit that fooled me in the past. I never will be fooled again or toyed with.