Once in a lifetime if someone is lucky they will have an experience that changes them forever. For the good, for the bad, for the better or worse. Understandably when young, how could anyone foresee what will come of their life, you can work as hard as you want for something you feel so strong about yet it may never happen. You may sit back and do nothing and the perfect thing could fall into your lap.
My beliefs were always things will happen the way fate lets them. I poured my heart into things in the past, my marriage, my career, my nieces and nephews, gave up my childhood to take care of my sisters, went right from that to taking care of a husband. All I ever wanted then was my own children, to have someone to love that was a part of me. Fate never allowed that, I made decisions mainly based upon what others wanted. As far back as I can remember I never made one decision that was about me until I felt somewhat independent in my job, yet still on a short lead. I let that happen, out of fear possibly, out of love, maybe. Out of commitment, definitely.
I never had girl friends, had more guy friends. Even the one friend I had the longest in NJ, I didnt fully trust and that intuition turned out to be right
My move from NJ was a chance to begin again and start fresh, new job, new life, although it was someone else who’s dream I was entering into, the thought of it was adventurous and inviting. Looking back on this time I can see how I believed the move, the farm, the simpler life would bring back what I missed in my life. Love, needs I had that were not being met and I was not happy but still had that hope it would all change. I see more clearly now I was wrong. We had changed, he had changed. In the next two years I would change greatly.
My eyes were opened to what love really is. Not that newness, the feeling of lust or even just being touched and filling needs. I was fulfilled completely. I was given a chance to see truly, deep, emotional love when you and I met and began to connect.
Thinking about all the things we talked about during intimate times, hours and hours, the one thing that strikes me hard is the thought that it was so different from what everyone else was experiencing. What we had was this incredible, never doubtful passion. It was not lighthearted, I felt you enter my soul, my being. I let you know me more than I ever let anyone before. I shared, myself, emotionally, mentally and physically like I had never done before. I knew of no one who had that, or would even give that much. We gave it to each other. I remember when I told my mother, “She is a part of me, she has affected me and will be in my life forever”. I remember telling you “I want to spend the rest of my life with you”. Now I realize at that very moment I should have righted the wrong. Stop being committed to something that was over and made a choice to listen to what my heart was telling me. What I truly wanted in my soul. I had a career, I could have done
it then. At the same time if I had, who is to say things would be any different. I could not make decisions for you, for him, and a few years later could not even make my own decisions anymore. Maybe my fate was never intended for me to be anything but reliant and dependent on someone who doesnt know how to show emotion or fulfill what I think I need.
I have spent the last 13 years of my life in complete turmoil because when I had the chance to make a drastic change I didnt. I sat back and waited for things to fall into my lap perfectly. I thought they would. I had dreams of us, of this amazing life filled with love and joy. Filled with gratitude for those little things we were both missing in our marriages and lives. The small things like a thank you for a meal served, a hug when needed badly, or just a quiet understanding of what the other person was going through. This would never come to be, whether it was fate or a higher force not letting it all be so. What hell I put us all through. The pressure of guilt and regret of what I have done weighs on me heavily. I am doubtful it ever will go away. If not, do I just deal with it or eventually relieve myself of it by giving up. I never will forgive myself.
I live now with complete uncertainty. I make no choices. Only distractions keep me from going entirely mad. I have lost all desire, to be creative, to care, to love..ever again. I have no desire to be close, be touched, find love, have anyone ever show concern or care for me. Hardheartedly I push everyone away. Distracting myself when motivated, which is rare, is the only time I have any hope, at the same time I cannot breathe. My heart races and my insides shake. While reeling on the inside, my body is fatigued beyond compare. A constant stress and fight that surely will kill me. I dont care. I have lost and am lost. Hurting the one thing I held so sacred, leaving the one person I dreamed would be my future causes me to give in. Lashing out at you, so in my own mind there would be no turning back, was my option, so you would hate me forever and be free of it all..
Regretting is not even an option at this point. Remembering anything only hurts. My guarded emotion and sense of dread darkens any hope or faith. The word LOVE itself angers me. It leaves a bad taste, it leaves a hollow feeling, Never will it have any meaning of anything but was once was. All that I harmed, I lost. All that was needed, is abandoned. I remain solemn and empty. Deservedly so.

Doubtful you will read any of this, only wanted to drain my thoughts once again.

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