Category: Uncategorized


Almost One Year

Last time I sat and wrote here was nearly a year ago. How could time pass so fast. I have been through so much in the last year, rejection, more indecision, more health issues and lots of therapy. Still feeling unsettled, but made some changes to ensure some security for myself. It lifted a weight but there is still some feeling of dependency.

Being told to never contact someone who I thought was my life, my future, my love was maddening. No closure, no explanation.

Not being understood by someone I have tried to get along with for too long is frustrating beyond words. Control, narcissism, inciting arguments for what reason..who knows. I voiced my concerns, opinions, and thoughts and was shut down.

Had a trip in January that was refreshing, Had to go back to Moms in March and made my mind up then when I got home things would change. Well, they have. Time will tell if it works, if all will be sorted out. Time..it goes by too fast.

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In Decision

Why must I be so indecisive all the time. Why couldnt I make a solid choice 10 yrs ago..13 yrs ago..15 yrs ago..3 yrs ago..now? I am so pissed at myself for continuing on the same path when I deeply know better, and have all along. Do I hope for some fucking miracle? When do I think that will happen? It wont. I cant. I am so tired, more than I ever have been and the weight is wearing me see through thin. I am ready to relinquish every thing I have and walk the fuck away from the bullshit. Done with relationships, done trying, done feeling sick and shitty constantly. If I wasnt so wishy fucking washy I would have gotten this shit done by now. I feel like I am behind and never going to catch up and dont want to try anymore.

It is only a matter of time..and that time is running out.

Fucked Fate

The last few years I realize that there are things I need that I am not getting. It is my fault I had those things and I made huge mistakes and fucked it up and lost them. I never thought I had regrets in life..fate you know? Shit just happens..but This was something I set forth in motion, made myself and others crazy and forcefully changed my life in a direction I thought would be healing. It wasn’t. I haven’t healed, I have gotten physically and emotionally more lost and ill.When will I learn and make the right move towards making myself happy, towards living my life for me. I am more stuck than ever. Like I burrowed down into a hole with my memories and although I try to make new ones, I try to move on..I cant.

over and over again

Months have gone by with me scribbling in my journal and not putting anything in blood here. It is time. I have fucking had it. How many times do I say that, how many times do I trudge along thinking it is going to get better and opening my mouth only to know things don’t change, people don’t change. Things will never change with me. I am stuck in fucking quicksand in a bog of shit in a place called hell. I wish I would just stop breathing so it would all go away. I wish I had the guts to put a bullet through my head or down a bottle of pills and say I have had enough, shrink back into a a hot bath and while they were releasing me gently I could slit my fucking wrists open and bleed the fuck out. I have nothing in life but the distraction I create for myself. Nothing means anything. I look at the shit around me, It all means nothing anymore, It could wash away in a flood and I wouldn’t feel a thing. All this shit I myself have brought into my life, shit I used to love, books, furniture that has been handed own to me, a table my grandpa ate his breakfast at, He loved me, the people who are gone are the ones that loved me the best. And her of course. She is gone too. She hit her mile marker of a year not speaking to me, found another love for sure, telling her the same lies and making her the same promises. No closure for me. No goodbye, Hell she wouldn’t even respect me enough to block me so I couldn’t contact her. She wanted to know I was suffering, Suffering in this fucking life I chose.

Some days I look back and clearly see the mistakes one by one I made that got me here. The choice to stay 8 yrs ago when I should have walked out. The decision to allow my life and love to be shared until it blew up in my face and I was then despised by both people who I thought loved me. Maybe they did. The decision to move again and think things could possibly change. I was fooling myself and see that now. Some days it is all just a blur I am am astounded at the time that has gone by and it all makes me feel useless, worthless and bored. When I was healthy, when I could get up in the morning and function like a person instead of some half invalid. Just enough ability to understand that I am drowning but no strength or will to do anything about it. No money, no job, no income to say ‘FUCK YOU’ and walk out and know I wouldn’t be sleeping in my truck. And believe me when I say, I have seriously thought about that, It would be better waking up in a truckstop parking lot in my truck full of anything I have left I care about, than to be waking up in a bed I don’t want to get out of because I know it is the same day over and over, unless it is a weekend day, then it is a shit storm waiting to collapse inward on me. I have no one to talk to, when I try to reach out to anyone I regret it after. No one understands my daily hassle, the struggle to deal not only with my self, but to deal with someone who is over it as much as I am but hangs out only to make things more miserable. Sure, I told him I am leaving..he says go. He says he wont leave, it will have to be me, he says this because he knows how sick I am and not able to work, full well knowing no one would want me to burden their life like I burden his. The icing on the fucking shit cake is when he tries to be somewhat kind, it only aggravates me further. How many times do I have to say “I don’t want to be touched, I don’t want to touch anyone”? That makes me selfish he says, I am selfish? That is the biggest fucking laugh. My whole life all I have done is for everyone else. As soon as I ask for something for me, or rest for me I am selfish. Then he drinks, which I never cared about, now I don’t care for. He gets stupid, slurring his words and talking shit or acting like an ass..before passing out after pouring a new drink he sits and nods his head around half in and out of stupor, I have to leave the room because I may scream. God forbid I say anything, he has that mean ass look and then gets nasty, saying nasty things, name calling, up until he passes out, he thinks he is fucking hysterical, his Mom thinks he is so adorable. She knows better. She doesn’t even try to write to me anymore because she doesn’t want to know about what I write back. Which is all truthful, but better to go through life with her blinders on believing her son is gods fucking gift and he is a victim. I am positive she blames me for his depression of late, me being sick, being a burden, oh how sad for her boy. Cut me a fucking break. He has NEVER been happy, I was always the optimistic one, He was opposite but when I was well it was a balance. He hates his job, now then, forever..always has, always will, I always dealt with it and listened, I am done listening, I don’t care, But because his mind is now focused on money, all he and his mom talk about is money and what is spent, earned, taxed, lost, it is just fucking stupid. Her interference into my daily life is hateful and because he allows it, it continues, because he pays the bills and that is all that matters. I try to leave and take the dog out or shove headphones deep into my ears with the music so loud my ears may bleed. His financial support far surpasses his emotional and mental support, which i now realize he isn’t even capable of. To him as long as he brings home the money he is a fucking lord and master. Never mind he can call me cunt and selfish and tell me how fucked up I am..he is fucking perfect in his own head.

I thought living a house mates, living separate but together, just trying to be friends would work, It hasn’t, It wont. We cannot even be friends. I grow to hate him more and more, he grows to despise me and instead of doing what is best and ending it, he chooses to stay and keep destroying me. I cant say a word because he flips the fuck out, every tiny thing becomes a massive argument. He says I belittle him because I had to yell his name so he would wake from his drunken stupor for dinner. If I hadn’t woken him I would have been in trouble, I would have not been taking care of him. I have told him I am done feeding him when hungry like a fucking baby, If he is hungry eat. It is an ongoing thorny fucking tangleweed that grows, I am expected to cook for both of us every night and all weekend long, but is he gets up to make something he wont even fucking ask me if I want anything. He will cook lunch on the weekend for himself and not consider that I would like lunch too, yet every meal I cook, if it is just for me he freaks the fuck out..actually I have NEVER just cooked for me even if it is toast I have to ask or he goes ballistic. On a rare occasion he will spend time cooking, and that to him should make up for all the other times he doesn’t. I end up with the trashed kitchen mess to deal with. I don’t even want to go into the messes he creates that he would think I am overreacting to but that drill on me like a dentist using a Makita to remove every tooth from my head.

ALL this petty shit kills me..I am done. I suffer in silence and when he is gone I cry. I scream, I can get in my truck and scream my fucking lungs up. I wake crying missing all the love I had that was real and gave it up, walked away for the right reasons, but ripping out my own heart in that decision. I go to bed in tears, cry in the shower and when he is not here I cry out loud and hard. If I hold any of this in for longer I am scared what I might do. Do I suffer a hateful life for another 15 yrs or however long he is around, or end it fucking now for myself. Not like my family would care. I cant talk to any of them, the kids who were my life for so long are now too busy staring into iPhones and iPad screens and cant even send me  text message, or respond to one I send. This past Xmas is the last. I will not ever acknowledge it again for any of the ingrates. I don’t get any thank yous, no response to even receiving a box, It has been ongoing , but this last time was IT. They wouldn’t miss me in the least. the older ones would say I was sic and crazy anyway, and the younger ones would just forget me.

I think about it every day. There is no getting it out of my head. I live in shit, I live in a life I created and must endure till I die or runaway or kill myself. There is no hope on a horizon or happiness in my future. Every waking moment I know everyone would be better without me and I would stop over thinking and self destructing. If I could disappear without a trace I would. I consider that an option.

Sharpie Markers 2014

Once in a lifetime if someone is lucky they will have an experience that changes them forever. For the good, for the bad, for the better or worse. Understandably when young, how could anyone foresee what will come of their life, you can work as hard as you want for something you feel so strong about yet it may never happen. You may sit back and do nothing and the perfect thing could fall into your lap.
My beliefs were always things will happen the way fate lets them. I poured my heart into things in the past, my marriage, my career, my nieces and nephews, gave up my childhood to take care of my sisters, went right from that to taking care of a husband. All I ever wanted then was my own children, to have someone to love that was a part of me. Fate never allowed that, I made decisions mainly based upon what others wanted. As far back as I can remember I never made one decision that was about me until I felt somewhat independent in my job, yet still on a short lead. I let that happen, out of fear possibly, out of love, maybe. Out of commitment, definitely.
I never had girl friends, had more guy friends. Even the one friend I had the longest in NJ, I didnt fully trust and that intuition turned out to be right
My move from NJ was a chance to begin again and start fresh, new job, new life, although it was someone else who’s dream I was entering into, the thought of it was adventurous and inviting. Looking back on this time I can see how I believed the move, the farm, the simpler life would bring back what I missed in my life. Love, needs I had that were not being met and I was not happy but still had that hope it would all change. I see more clearly now I was wrong. We had changed, he had changed. In the next two years I would change greatly.
My eyes were opened to what love really is. Not that newness, the feeling of lust or even just being touched and filling needs. I was fulfilled completely. I was given a chance to see truly, deep, emotional love when you and I met and began to connect.
Thinking about all the things we talked about during intimate times, hours and hours, the one thing that strikes me hard is the thought that it was so different from what everyone else was experiencing. What we had was this incredible, never doubtful passion. It was not lighthearted, I felt you enter my soul, my being. I let you know me more than I ever let anyone before. I shared, myself, emotionally, mentally and physically like I had never done before. I knew of no one who had that, or would even give that much. We gave it to each other. I remember when I told my mother, “She is a part of me, she has affected me and will be in my life forever”. I remember telling you “I want to spend the rest of my life with you”. Now I realize at that very moment I should have righted the wrong. Stop being committed to something that was over and made a choice to listen to what my heart was telling me. What I truly wanted in my soul. I had a career, I could have done
it then. At the same time if I had, who is to say things would be any different. I could not make decisions for you, for him, and a few years later could not even make my own decisions anymore. Maybe my fate was never intended for me to be anything but reliant and dependent on someone who doesnt know how to show emotion or fulfill what I think I need.
I have spent the last 13 years of my life in complete turmoil because when I had the chance to make a drastic change I didnt. I sat back and waited for things to fall into my lap perfectly. I thought they would. I had dreams of us, of this amazing life filled with love and joy. Filled with gratitude for those little things we were both missing in our marriages and lives. The small things like a thank you for a meal served, a hug when needed badly, or just a quiet understanding of what the other person was going through. This would never come to be, whether it was fate or a higher force not letting it all be so. What hell I put us all through. The pressure of guilt and regret of what I have done weighs on me heavily. I am doubtful it ever will go away. If not, do I just deal with it or eventually relieve myself of it by giving up. I never will forgive myself.
I live now with complete uncertainty. I make no choices. Only distractions keep me from going entirely mad. I have lost all desire, to be creative, to care, to love..ever again. I have no desire to be close, be touched, find love, have anyone ever show concern or care for me. Hardheartedly I push everyone away. Distracting myself when motivated, which is rare, is the only time I have any hope, at the same time I cannot breathe. My heart races and my insides shake. While reeling on the inside, my body is fatigued beyond compare. A constant stress and fight that surely will kill me. I dont care. I have lost and am lost. Hurting the one thing I held so sacred, leaving the one person I dreamed would be my future causes me to give in. Lashing out at you, so in my own mind there would be no turning back, was my option, so you would hate me forever and be free of it all..
Regretting is not even an option at this point. Remembering anything only hurts. My guarded emotion and sense of dread darkens any hope or faith. The word LOVE itself angers me. It leaves a bad taste, it leaves a hollow feeling, Never will it have any meaning of anything but was once was. All that I harmed, I lost. All that was needed, is abandoned. I remain solemn and empty. Deservedly so.

Doubtful you will read any of this, only wanted to drain my thoughts once again.

Will

Will it ever get better. Will I? Every time I seem to find hope I lose it just as quickly.

I saw a photo and didn’t recognize her. It scared me to think I could forget the very thing I love. If only she would speak to me. Will she ever? What is she waiting for?

Being completely torn to shreds this week by someone I have NEVER hurt, NEVER was unkind to made me lose my head. I am still not right. still shaking inside. Yet the backlash from this is that I was the one to overreact. Fuck you. You who says “I am always trying” then cuts me down with a few words. How easy it is for you to put me down and think of me as nothing. And you wonder why I can crazy and fly off the handle as you put it. I am gonna fucking fly alright. As soon as I get my shit together I am flying and you will be the last to know where I have gone to. You think I need you..I don’t..none of what you give me is worth any of the shit I have taken for years now. You fucking wait.

of course..

Took a quiz..no surprise here..

 

What is your theme song?
Your theme song is I’m So Sick – Flyleaf.
 

You aren’t a very happy person. You are sick of the way your life is and just want to break out of it. Maybe you need to move…or at least take a vacation.

How could a song set you off..bring you up..or down..why am I so affected. I heard new songs that remind me of old ones, I imagine us singing, laughing..being silly..or just holding each other while they play. DO you hear them? DO you interpret them like I do? One especially got me today, like written for us, about us, where we are now, where we were.

I miss you, and once again tonight I am in tears, wrought with heartache and sadness. Your smell is lingering around me. How could that be? I sent you a card. No writing, no signature, but it said it all. I am blue. I saw the first letter of your name and it stabbed within..I wanted to wear it but it wouldn’t make things better. I sing to those songs and think you are singing to them too. You know I know. I know you know. I know you remember.

Tears and Tears

So tired of being tired. SO sick of being sick. Tired of feeling alone. I cannot accept this is the way I will live. Once again woke to dreams of past that I dont know how to let go of. I have tried so hard. It wont leave, I would have to cut out my heart to remove this from me. I thought today would be one where I accomplish a few things since I am trapped with no vehicle for a few days.

I saw hope when I saw life that I thought had been taken, I went to see, and yes..this little tortured creature, alive and well..in the same moment of joy I tore open the back heel of my foot below the tendon. The door came slamming in on me and my foot didnt move fast enough. A 3 inch upside down u that is a flap of bruised bloody skin. The pain..intense. I screamed, cried..I cant deal. I cant just be fucking normal about injury when my life is a struggle to begin with. I soaked it in tears, I changed water and soaked again, blood flowed..

Its wrapped and elevated. All the things I wanted to do today are put off until….

 

Axis

Spinning on mine is normal. being told I am mental just pisses me off. New Doctor new ideas, then some not so new. Drugs. Yup..does it matter I was crazy on them. No. Does it matter I was suicidal on some. No. This ass says drugs are my only way out. What bullshit. He doesn’t believe in holistic therapy. He rushes in, spouts off, rushes out. Fuckers should not become doctors if they aren’t prepared to deal with patients.

Other than me now again in need of a new doc, I have lost a dear friend. She is dead to me. I killed her in my head so I could get away from what is causing mental anguish in my brain. She is a fucking bitch who thinks she is better and above everyone that she doesn’t feel the need to speak to anymore. Well bitch..you will get yours, you will fucking crash and burn like the horrible person you are and the lack of compassion and care you have for people who loved you will all turn around and you will see how it is to be in my shoes. Karma fucking takes too long to come about,. So I began my day believing she is dead. Gone. I cant call her because there is no more her. I cannot wish bad things on her because she is dead. The games she played with peoples lives killed her. The lies she told to everyone around her killed her. The hypocritical way she lived her life is what buried her alive. I am happy the fake fucking bitch is gone from my life.

I need to be open and free. I need to learn how to feel love again. I need to learn how to be loved. I am working on it. I will find my way and watch the fuck out, because when I do, I will crush little specks of shit that fooled me in the past. I never will be fooled again or toyed with.