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mistakes a-plenty

I seem to destroy myself and be hell bent on doing it often. After 5 months of not speaking to her I break down and text. Then call. Then email. Why? I dont know..maybe because I am so fucked in pain the last couple weeks I am off my fucking rocker, maybe the loneliness and inconsiderate shit I deal with got to me. Whatever it was I was ignored. In all ways. No emails in return, no calls, no texts. Did she evn listen or read my messages? My heartfelt email was just that, I miss her and let her know how much. Worthless. I am a fucking loser. I will always be until I get that lobotomy and remove every thought of her from my brain. Why does she exist there in such a way? The pros and cons list teeters to the red, the common sense scale is off the charts..the lies, the ruse, the games..am I stupid/ Yes. A fool in love? Yes.

Anger still resides in me, her hurtful ways and lies anger me, the fact that she is being touched and loved by the fucktard troll and she is jerking him off and probably by now letting him rape her again pisses me off to no end. Am I jealous? Why am I not getting love? What I had was better than what she had a million times over and she destroyed it and left me so fucked in the head sexually I cant even get myself off without crying  my eyes out. Maybe if I had love, hugs, attention, care and concern, consideration..I would be over her and could at least feel worthy. She has destroyed me. My life, my love, my happiness, even after I have tried desperately to rebuild it all she has gotten into the core of my brain where proper thought occurs and fried it. I am sick that she could possibly be fucking him. Or someone else. She needs to be touched, isnt that why she came onto me in the first place? She was fucking some guy then and guess she found me needy like her so she teased and cried and tld me her story of woe. Initially I tried to save her, now she has her health and mine is long gone, she has her self confidence, mine lost, she has her job, mine taken from me by this fucked up illness. I will never get back what I had. I have tried to rebuild a new life, a new place, far away from her games. But my unconscious thoughts wake me in tears wanting, needing HER. FUCK FUCK FUCK…

 

 

 

must I?

Why can’t I stay away. Why don’t I have any strength to just let it be? It only hurts more when there is no response. I know better. I have learned. The truth will never be. I need fucking electro shock therapy or something to get over this shit. My heart is broken and my brain is damaged.

Almost 5

It is almost 5 months since I have heard your voice..said I love you, heard you tell me I am beautiful. I miss you. I miss you so very much. I listen to old voicemails, see old texts. I have a hard time looking at pictures..they make me cry. Certain smells make me cry. Songs, sounds, sights..so many things make me cry. I still cry hard for you. I cry as hard as when you were talking to me. I missed you then, I miss you more now.

Full Circle

I know things arent and never will be perfect. But I will NOT be on eggs shells and afraid to open my mouth..and that is right where I am at. I feel truly sick and tired of being accused of causing the drama in life. Being told I have my own life when all I have done is for this house, this place, one person. And I am made to feel like I am out for myself? If I was out for myself I would never have come here in a relationship, I would have left on my own, to wherever, even if it was a rented room, I dont give a fuck. I dont like being told that I have no where to go and the power that is held over my head. Go ahead, think you have the almighty power..its all bullshit. You can go ahead and say its all for me, you are only trying to take care of me and I am over it. STOP trying because you have fucked it up by being mentally abusive and emotionally gone.

All I have tried to do is help you feel PRESENT. Here..but you would rather be all about work, tell the fucking shit over and over. STOP. If you hate your fucking job so much then leave it at work and dont bring it home. When I was working I got in trouble for talking about work or work drama..I was told to get over it and it didnt matter.

Being told over and over my issues are all in my head, my perspective..Yet when you blow up over whatever you shit is its turned around and that is also my perspective. Own up motherfucker. Be present or you will lose everything. I am done caring at this point.

Bothered

Bothered by the time that is passing without hearing from her. I am giving her space..time..I always cave..why cant she..it has been months, longer than ever before. Is she being stubborn? Or has she found someone else to fill her needs? Scared to know if that is true..but think it could be. She fell before me, why not after.

booze

Sick of booze being a part of my life

I dont drink because I can’t. Meds I am on only make me sick when I try. But every day I deal with it.

Alcohol, slurring, sloppy behavior, one, two, three drinks..nasty attitude, smartass comments, verbal abuse, passing out, loud obnoxious snoring, gasping for breath desperately. Gross. Sick of it. Hateful of it. Wish it would go away forever.

REALLY

I am so fucking sick and over some shit..Shit that flows really deep. Ongoing and cumulative. Its personal, its old, its habitual, Its that little splinter that gets under your skin and instead of slipping away over time, it deepens. It becomes sore, infected, until you dig at it, you pick at it, you feel it all the time. It stays with you.

Lists can be made, they would go on and on. I am afraid to make them as it would then be that binding proof that I made bad choices, wrong decisions, than made wrong choices and bad decisions on top of those. I am afraid of knowing the truth. The long lived continuous truth is already set in my brain. I am beginning to believe it is also in me physically and taking the form of extreme pain, fatigue and sensitivity.

Every once in awhile a ray of light may flash but it is short lived and is becoming a rarity. Wishing for good things makes me feel foolish, wishing for bad things makes me angry. Once again caught and trapped, shutting my mouth, dealing day to day. Cannot imagine how much longer it will be before a major explosion.

I wanna wake up with you?

Well, once again..BULLSHIT talk. all the words don’t mean a thing. “I wanna wake up with you on Christmas” was what she said. “I miss you” “I love you” she said those things too..but when given an opportunity to come to me, within a few hours, for a day or less..she refused..HE would get mad..really? Well fuck him..I will drive further..this is me begging now, pleading for time. Nope. She would rather stay with him. My head is u my ass obviously and I will never see the real truth about her. Words and words alone..action never happens. I know she has driven that far to bring one fucking pig for free to people she sucks up to..but would she drive to spend a day with me..no but I am not worth a pigs ass.

you WHAT?

She came here..for me..well no, but I got to see her..my heart raced. It felt good to hold, kiss, smell, touch her..It was fast, over and done before I knew it. That night I could have slept with her until daybreak but I had to go. The rest of the night until I saw her the next morning, something clawed at me. She told me she was touching him..him, who she had said she would never touch again, who she hated, but she fell right back into his arms why? Because I wasn’t there? Because she cant go without sex? It grossed me out. The thought of it. I resisted going back in morning. It didn’t feel right. But that’s how she fucking rolls..

Calmer

And so I have calmed down, after torturing my journal, blocking, blasting, destroying, erasing..I dont feel completely cleansed but much more than I have felt. My mind is still reeling on how a person can tell someone things like “you are the only one I love”, “you are my world, my true north” “we will spend the rest of our lives together””I think only of you every moment” “I cant breathe without you” HOW could someone say those things, special things, words of love and devotion..then be cruel and say “I dont want to talk to you all the time”, “If we dont speak for weeks everything is fine” “I dont have time for you”..Is it really me? Do I expect too much from someone who supposedly is going to spend the rest of her life with me?  At the same time I have put up with her staying with an abusive husband in a disgusting house. I told her years ago to stay with her kids, not him. She was going to leave the kids, walk away and leave them with him.  I said it wasnt right. Those kids were a part of my life and she removed them from it. She made excuses. Looking back love is so fucking blind..I loved her and was just glad she was somewhat mine. So many things, too many to go into, too many to think of because all in all it makes me look like a giant ass for believing her and every little lie along the way. The connection, the pull, the contentment I felt when with her. My thought now is now that I am away and she can fuck me, get herself off at her convenience she has less feelings, all along it never felt sexual and when it came down to it that’s what held it together. Sick. It also makes me wonder what happened when a husband and wife are separated like military or whatever, they talk, they communicate, not just once every 3 weeks and when the sex isn’t there do they just fall apart.

It is her loss. I was a wonderful person before her and if I fucking live through this without slicing myself open or banging my head against the wall I may become a good person again.

My chances are slim by far..because of him..he drags me downs, tears me up and then blames me. All in the guise of taking care of me. I wish he would throw me out. Then I could really be alone, on my own, do what I want. No her, no him..I dont need love if this is what it is like. Fucking bullshit.